just passing some time waiting for the pie to cook.
tues.. 13th... updating thurs. 15th..

my mothers a pole dancer.....

I,m going to be a pole dancer even the thought sets my teeth on edge..
followed quickly by galloping horror like theres no termorra,
and i,m gripped around the neck just below the sneck..
by the cold icy fingers of dread.


It was at the Christmas bring and buy the chapel stood ...aglow...
dressed up in all its sparkly finery..very festively..
festooned with paper streamers, fresh frosted holly..
red and green tinsel..
cards on the vestry mantel.... topped off with ginormous,..
voluminous.. cream velvet bows..

Mrs B, from number 9, tried to explain it all.. her of pursed lips
twin set and pearls,
i stood ram rod straight behind the white elephant, nothing seemed relevant..
as all the horror unfurled..

My fondant fancies... french meringue and strawberry jam..were the talk of the place
i couldnt lose face as the vicar munched ham.. or it could have been spam.. through violently white bright teeth
polished to a shine..they stood like ebony piana keys..
all in a perfectly straight line.

Such a pleasant upstanding fella, decent, good hearted, kind...
what will he think of me at sunday worship.. the mind boggles..
as i twiddle my duffle coat toggles...mother nudges me... "behave"..
i pray on hands and knees he won,t mind..

Mrs B, waved me over lips a slit..above the tombola.. head bobbing..
a shock of neon pink curls..but i had a terrible vision in bingo intermission..
of mrs b. hollering "LEGS ELEVEN"..lads and lasses... in nothing but a grin..
whiskers covering wrinkly chin...and believe it or not.... it gets worse..

I,m well past fabulous forty, though not yet peppered with silver and grey..
with a waist tightly pinched to just under 24 inch..
but have to say...i,ll never again see 42...frivolous times when i went astray..
but i threw off the blues... and at the end of a fine sunny day..

took the high road to London to see if streets were truly paved with gold..
spent me savings on white wine spritzers...rainbow sherburt...sugar dummies.. which i have to say were scrumptious...
briggs best pasties... topped off with barrads plum dumplings..
then had to spend nights under the stars neath Tower bridge arches...
among the drop outs singing for me supper.. which wasnt very proper...
out in the cold..

Had words with me mother..who preached of morality..
a woman alone could attract all kindsa things....like.. ?? calamity..
i said "aww mam shurrup..i,m over 18...
there,s things i have,nt seen.... id like to re-live my youth..
she stuttered .."lords truth...act your age....be sensible...
you,ve a mortgage....miss a payment....you,ll be back with me and your da again.. .. and that would be.......well...?... plain horrible...

"mam you know you love me best when i,m irripressable.."
"lass... behaviour like thats reprehensible"...
you,ll be eating us out of house and home... we,ll be reduced to eating cold porridge..

and i really could,nt stand it..you trailing in at all hours....climbing in the bedroom window from the roof of the garage.. on your princess tippy toes..
drunk as a skunk... disorderly".....i just turned up me nose ..stomped off in the huff.....
muttering to myself... and the yorkie.. our little dinky.....frostily.......
"bah humbug"...while blowing a big bubble from penny tray bubbly too big for me gob.

mams parting words..."you,ll regret it, mark my words ... young lady... have you thought about your job?"....

I smiled...cheekily...that felt soooo good... to be classed as young...
and not yet an old biddy... i utterly refuse to be old and twisty..
grumpy,s not for me, i,ll leave that to the oldies.. forever sweet sixteen in my head..... that,ll do for me....

I looked in the mirror.. glad i had no wrinkles...but me mam brought me down to earth..."they,ll not be looking at your face...
and watch out for lecherous hecklers and me and your da think you,ve made a big bungle ,
which did,nt fill me with confidence...in fact the opposite i nearly had the hystericals..... so i left early for chapel.....willing to mingle after all i was now ... newly single...






anyway...back at the Chapel...i remember a muffled mention of charity.. funds.. a roof...but i stood with
cloth ears tipsily repeating.."merry xmas... dankershun.....auf weidersen pet...cheers".
as i stood aloof.....sipping mulled wine on the hoof..
that made me feel fine..and to be perfectly frank
without any glasses the world looked all fuzzy....so i just signed on the dotted line .."oopss here comes my first
customer.....for egg and cress on crusty bloomer...time to get busy"...

By the way ive no wish to do owt illegal, i have,nt the energy for anything naughty, its ower much faff on, ower much clart..and certainly ower
much upheaval.

How will i fare in my job as a magistrate..?. i know my talents are "multi"
but yesterday i couldnt quite concentrate.. as i let the prisoner go free while finding the jury very very guilty..

I lock the doors close the curtains... of course...start warming up
with a wiggle here and there...i jiggle all around the kitchen
then jump down from the 2nd stair...i,m shattered and to top it all my stomachs no flatter, and i feel no fitter.. but i refuse to be bitter..

So i,ll just sit here prostrate on the setty the kids have departed to a willing aunty Betty..
i waved them off through teary lids...then raided the biscuit tin
while emptying the fridge..
i,m scoffing jammie dodgers....feet ensconsed on the pouffe..
i,m demented with worry...

How will i look in a skimpy top? our abigail looked shocked.
."like a portly hippopotamus mam"..our william sniggered as my confidence dropped...
"and dont dare wear that mini skirt..me da will think youve turned into a flirt..
preposterous.. will be the word"...

"abigail hinny... what i do now is no business of your da,s,
he made that quite clear when he left us for that...floozy.....over the hill barmaid..newly installed at the "lamb to the slaughter".......
a proper raspberry tart"...

I jump about the bedroom like the very fit fat acrobat..
allegedly i whisper gaurdidly for fear of libel.. folks get a bee in their bonnets very quickly these days over nowt and will sue for owt..
its not worth all the trouble...so i button my lip..as i take a trip..
to the local chippy but not without my lippy...thats as much exercise as i need.. our william raised his eyebrows..
"eehh me mothers dippy"...

I left with our abigails words ringing in my peachy ears...."mind how you go mam... its been snowing... its dead slippy"...
.

A very dark Winter soon turned into a bright and breezy Spring and i set off on the day in question.. i knew i looked a mess.. head full of stress, what would the day bring.?

i wasnt cut out for a short leapord print dress, what a morbid mess..

judging by the frosty stares that greeted me at the gate..i knew i looked a state....
in spiky heels i ran for the bus..leaving the kids and me mother white faced... making a fuss..

as i waved bye bye to my cordial credibilty as a pillar of virtue and respectability in our local community..... i felt like jumping off.....but as we raced through Langley moor..the conductor swung on the bell..next stop Stone Bridge .. ding dong...

i started with a nervous coff.....

so we trundled into Durham... heeby jeebys taking hold...i didnt have much on i wasnt warm.. in fact i was nithered......by the way to you me thats cold...i dothered and dithered..

I thought they,d have been discreet but Durham had the flags out..
streamers were strung all the way up North road as far as the Electric board couples kissing and courting...some lasses stood up.. crying...
lads by the co op too much lager... fighting...
bonny fairy lights lit up Millburngate roundabout....it all looked very inviting.

Up above the Railway station.. helicopters circled.....eeehhh i thought there was nee need to call the army out.. ...could feel my chest tightening...

It was frightening.... and at one time i wouldnt have dared...

Looking over Framwellgate bridge..the River Wear... dark... murky...

i stood stock still... stared..straight ahead...

lightening flashes illuminated the gloomy durham sky..

I spied the Lambton worm up by Prebends bridge.... tail in the air.. lurking...
in all his slimey finery.... oh my...

I was sure like me he,d aquired the hump....till i polished my glasses the worm disappeared.. quickly replaced by an old tree stump...
just then the weather brightened up..

but still..i wanted to sit by the river ... watch the grass grow..nice and quiet..
but knew in my head i had to do this....if not next time at chapel there,d be a .... well basically .... a riot..

Tables were out on Silver streets cobbles...shaded by fancy parasols...

in the blustery spring breeze... they wobbled.....in fancy heels my feet were on fire.. but words ringing in my ears....don,t give up....god loves a tryer..

The Cathedral stood in the hot bright sun.. tall and proud..looking down on the majestic celebrations..up in the market..the salvation army played by marks-es an uplifting song had to be sung...
market traders bartered their wares giving lusty looks to busty ladees..free,.. with every turnip and tatie.....

The Mayor was on show bedecked in all his velvet finery.. he gave a regal bow as he blew the whistle to start the show on the elegantly dressed Town hall balcony.

I nearly turned tail and sneaked into the nearest Winery..perched myself on a high stool.... settled in for happy hour.. 3 drinks for a fiver..or better still got the bus home to hide under the duvvy... much safer..

a small dark cloud sat above.....threatening a shower....but everything seemed to brighten up.....as in my tracks i was stopped....cos

there it was by the "Big green horse"...painted red and white..with psychedelic bunting,.. of course...........i thought i,d sold my god fearing soul..

till i saw mrs b. and the lasses smiling...as they sat beneath Durhams beautiful Maypole.

felt so happy i was flying.........