sound of musics on tomorrow i for one will be glued to it..
resting up this afternoon a song i played on the piano sprang to mind..
must have been about 9, long long time ago..dance for us sing for us gretchen and hans..clip clip go the wooden sleigh boots and on goes the dance oh we could stay here and watch you till the day is ended my dear little gretchen and funny little hans..

sound of music was on in the summer time i remember we each had one of the new Raleigh shopper bikes from currys saddler street i loved mine but not the colour.. green with tartan basket on the back,
my cousin had the best .. hers was red..

we rode all over, freedom..
down to Croxdale, as we neared the top of the bank we stopped looked down at the view.. stunning.. all the trees were out in full leaf.. sun splitting the trees..Burn hall looked beautiful i thought id love to be a nun like Julie Andrews and live in there.
it would have got me away from school.....hated needlework.. my embroidery was never right for the teacher....
...gave me the shingles she did....doctor said "are you worrying about anything"? i said "yes.. needlework"....he didnt have a magic wand either..

when i was young i never thought that anyone could make anything better..
i just thought this is the way it is..life.. i had to find ways of solving my own problems.. mam worked..when she came in she was busy.. i just rattled around myself but i was happy.. at least what i thought happy was..
reminds me of the famous saying .. "whatever love is"

anyway..then in winter the scenery changed.. cold dark bleak i changed my mind..thought its big..might be dusty.. sure to be cold... and id just get chillblains...
mam was so pleased cos id yarped on about it for months...

the magnificent obsession..

Ive always had a great love of music.. from being a child, its more an obsession really..
we had a piano at home i started playing by ear age 2.. so it started there really....
who ever invented music should be given a sainthood in my opinion..

then dad arranged lessons, it was the most wonderful thing to be able to pick up a sheet of paper full of what looked at first like dots.. musical notes, then to be able to turn the dots into music .. notes that went together forming a song..

after that i couldn't walk into a room without looking around for a piano..back in those days a lot of people still had pianos in the living room..


dad bought me sound of music sheet music and to be able to play edelweiss, all my faves was the best thing ever. love that film.
the soundtrack has got to be the best ive ever heard.. rogers and hammerstien deserved the oscar, i don,t even know if they got one but it was well deserved if so..

palladium put on the film and they had girls dressed in traditional austrian costume giving out programmes.., me and my cousin wanted to be too but were too young.. think girls had to be above 13. they didnt look very old..remember they looked lovely in white blouses, dresses. pigtails.
i actually liked christopher plummer...good singer he is too..surprised me..julie andrews.. she was just brilliant.. came across some old music books today..

but being the person i am now some times i can,t listen..no one would understand unless they were me..i hear a story now.. i can,t listen to music for the love of it anymore..some songs actually make me feel ill...
a sensitive...? whatever, this is me now..

slept quite a lot today..tired..forgot my tablets yesterday which probably didn,t help..
its been nice and sunny then cloudy....change-able as they say..
.chronic fatigue can make you feel low....but if you understand this then its half the battle..
and it quickly goes....comes and goes,.. but the low days become less frequent..
....i potter....look out at the weather...there,s not the energy for much else..so the cardmaking.. hobbies.... it just brightens up the day..

gonna check out jon cainer.then sit out.

the computers not been working well for a few weeks now and to top it all i put in a cd without due care and attention it went off with an almighty bang..
so it needs to be sorted....thought, i must have had it a year now....i might not be covered.. i went back just now to my first emails to check the date.. 17th may. a thursday.
so nearly exactly a year.. its flown....time does fly..

been thinking i did have it quite a while before that but couldnt figure out how to work email..couldnt work any of it really.
i looked at it and took the horrors...
and still ive been no where...the possibilities are endless.. so im told,..
ive shopped.. emailed....downloaded some music, not much, thats about it..
i was a galaxy spotter too.. forgot about that ..

popping into the garden suns lovely...blosssoms dead on the pear and plum but the apple blossom is beautiful to look at...no wonder the bees like it..

beautiful day.. doors open windows too, fresh smell of cut grass, everythings growing.....new buds and shoots....not much traffic about..quiet..
everythings growing except me.. because..?

well i,m stuck with.. chronic fatigue....looked in the mirror and gave myself a good talking to..i took no notice.. this is the thing this is why im still here..
head in the sand..
one day i will wake up and think life is really good.... i wish it was here now..

slept badly..forgot my antibiotic 4am thought i just can,t be chewed to tip toe down and back up again.. so lay there.. hot sneezing.. coughing..complaining.. to no-one....the birds dawn chorus assailed my ears..
i will feel differently once i have my energy back .. i know this and i promised myself i wouldnt complain...so this will be the last...
as i put my blinkers back on..

think if i,d been the type of person who could willingly accept not being able to do what i wish which is to climb mountains and not be restricted.. i,d have took to this like a duck to water.. but i have no patience....

still downsizing, decluttering.. cant take any of it with you .. thats my philosophy...i would look at a field and see .. the lovely color of the grass..or whatever was growing..daisies, dandylions, the wild flowers.. butterflies.. i wouldnt see the flies.. mice.. ants...
.
the nasty stuff passes me by there will always be good stuff if you just open your eyes and not be too blind to see...

there,s a nice teapot on ebay but i can,t buy anymore.. too many to dust .. there,s just something about teapots...ive a box full of miniatures too

below ... the book store..called the bally kettle..

meg ... the collie..cross..

tara... the sprocker..

signing out nearly asleep..

Ive just read the spots off the advertiser.. a collie has gone missing from durham.. with "odd eyes"..
sad...
very cold last night.. rained here i had the window open the air coming in felt.. like a frosty winter night..
i know collies have thick coats ...but still....not good.... poor thing..

an afterthought... when ill or had some life changing happening you re assess.. everything changes....now my outlook on life is.... if you have your health you really can achieve anything you set you mind to.....

turning in.. throats sore been sneezing... wish i could take low dose antibiotics forever ... its the only way forward....i had pain when coughing .. lung pain front and back after one double strength it was nearly gone..

not usually up at this time..been asleep hours.. bright and wide awake.. shredded wheat makes a good snack.. bit like eating straw but never the less. nice.

thoughts on chronic fatigue..updated..

thinking before sleep last night... ive always preferred being by myself.. no ties..
and i wondered... why? ....ive people around me yet im untethered......
i can,t have anyone else relying on me for happiness, it would be on my shoulders then i,d worry,... its too heavy a load because i,m not reliable.. i,m not well in a nutshell..... think its been for the best,
because i thought how will they manage without me about,
now they would find it easier...gradual withdrawal...
so this is the way life is....

.doesnt do to live in each others pockets or become dependant on anyone in life..and my whole outlook on life is... best to be able to please yourself..
i had enough of rules at school..


in the early years it was different you do whats expected of you...i tried to carry on with all the things id previously done, ran the home like clockwork..if i couldnt i felt guilty.. i knew it was,nt doing me any good...
but it was too big a change to, suddenly, change everything, which was what was needed....m.e. is a long term illness.. you must change your whole life style and very existence.. if not its taken out of your hands..

for anyone trying to do this i wish them luck cos its the hardest thing in the world....your brain hurts..you can,t think.. locked in syndrome..i walked and still do some days on tip toes..
people dont understand and so you have all that to deal with too..prejudice...

I think one day m.e. will go down as one of the most distressing illnesses..ever..
cos given a choice of one of the big ones.. and im no way playing them down not at all..they are truly awful,
but i know which one id have chosen cos then at least id have had the confidence and courage to get out and have it sorted at the earliest stage..
before it got too far..giving myself a fighting chance.

id have took my chances cos this is and ive said it before a slow living death....lonely too.. no matter how much you like your own company..
i had to say bye to all my relatives...in my head...a long time ago...as i knew things would never be the same again....so ive spent time grieving,
looking at peoples faces as they watch you, esp my son..its something you wouldnt normally see cos you,d be... well dead obviously..

. my dad would say "how are you"? id say.. champion.. i didnt want him to worry and anyway illness we dont talk about.. it embarrases me...to me its a weakness....only some one in my shoes would know what i mean by that.. ive lost years.. years that i could be having fun...making some thing of me..
although i was always happiest just flitting about...no set programme..

so now i have to do what makes me happy and gets me well in the quickest possible time..... nearly everythings had to go out of the window..a long time ago..
otherwise there is no future for me... this is the long and short of it....

i,m not as real as other people in the world....half in half out..and im really tired....
i have flashes of happiness now and again.... since i started the antibiotics... then now, when im writing this, i,m sad and in tears and i really want some kind of shift.. change for the better....

i heard on the news ages ago about a man who,d had to up stiks and move to yorkshire cos of lack of understanding....he ended up asking his wife to help him to die.. which proves that in most cases you feel the need to cut yourself off..
to survive.. he sadly....obviously, didnt want to live.
i,m the opposite.... i fight and will never give up to try to save my life..and salvage whats left of it.. i think life is very precious.....

i really want to think ahead to months down the line....a time when i,m feeling better..renewed.... need to write myself a plan.. what i,ll do this week, next,.. in order to get better quicker... yet ive no discipline.. i just want it to appear in front of me...or better still some one else to do it all for me.. turn up with a magic formula or a magic wand...
i may have some special abilities but sadly i still cant manage to heal myself.... maybe i,m not meant to be....seems like what i have, whatever it is.... goes out.. away from me....will i have to live with it for ever? time will tell.
i understand none of it..

this is the pattern ive been following for 15 years... truth.. in the beginning i new i had a mammoth task in front of me by the way i felt if i exerted myself in the slightest...

i would get up on a morning bend my head for a few seconds and that would be enough to put me in bed for the day...this trundled on into weeks months then with everyday life pressures of trying to run a home well it just got worse...into a year and so on...
i am better than back in the old days.... esp. the brain symptoms....i can think more without it hurting...thing is ive stayed the same in my head ... age....i have less sense than my son....but i don,t want to change..
.
my problem is im the eternal optimist...
i think tomorrow, next week, i,ll be well again.. this is how ive thought every day... i still do... and its wrong... but we arent born with second sight... having said that i may have to change my mind and disagree with... who..? myself...

but truly if id had a crystal ball.. and knew how long it would be then id have crawled to.. where? there is no where, with m.e there is no cure..no magic pill.. no operation..this is why its so difficult and why id prefer to just vanish off the face of the earth..
cos i know that the only thing that makes it any better is...rest... quiet.....by myself..... pottering like i used to.. ive tried everything..

been decluttering.. old gone out.. made some space for new..thinking things are going to have to be let go of some time, or find new places for them..still raining.. birds whistling..apart from that .. quiet..apart from a slight hissing in my,.. not good ear...

raining here... washing out .. must get it in...
some times i wonder...about life ...

just recieved a holiday postcard..... reports of lovely times being had .. im glad..
the outside world and everything in it is to be cherished and enjoyed....open spaces...sun on your face..wind in your hair.... don,t ever be a prisoner wether its of circumstance or health.. lifes too short.. there are ways round whatever life throws at you.. ive proved that by being brave enough to venture out..

think if anyone wishes to have conflict with you, for whatever reason, its very sad, and if you dont want to play any part then you should just respond with "good"..
all the time.. .. keep everyones good name bright and shiny..thats my priority..
some of us don,t know any other way to be....i,m glad im one of them....

did dream after all, antibiotics must have stopped working so im easing up on everything.....2 things going on.. complete contradictions of each other so 1 or both have to stop..

It,ll be tv tonight.. early night again.... quiet....heaven.....quiet is really good for the soul....think the best sounds are... wind... just on its own or rustling through leaves...rain on the window..wind chimes.....sound of silence....soothing...

just passing some time waiting for the pie to cook.
tues.. 13th... updating thurs. 15th..

my mothers a pole dancer.....

I,m going to be a pole dancer even the thought sets my teeth on edge..
followed quickly by galloping horror like theres no termorra,
and i,m gripped around the neck just below the sneck..
by the cold icy fingers of dread.


It was at the Christmas bring and buy the chapel stood ...aglow...
dressed up in all its sparkly finery..very festively..
festooned with paper streamers, fresh frosted holly..
red and green tinsel..
cards on the vestry mantel.... topped off with ginormous,..
voluminous.. cream velvet bows..

Mrs B, from number 9, tried to explain it all.. her of pursed lips
twin set and pearls,
i stood ram rod straight behind the white elephant, nothing seemed relevant..
as all the horror unfurled..

My fondant fancies... french meringue and strawberry jam..were the talk of the place
i couldnt lose face as the vicar munched ham.. or it could have been spam.. through violently white bright teeth
polished to a shine..they stood like ebony piana keys..
all in a perfectly straight line.

Such a pleasant upstanding fella, decent, good hearted, kind...
what will he think of me at sunday worship.. the mind boggles..
as i twiddle my duffle coat toggles...mother nudges me... "behave"..
i pray on hands and knees he won,t mind..

Mrs B, waved me over lips a slit..above the tombola.. head bobbing..
a shock of neon pink curls..but i had a terrible vision in bingo intermission..
of mrs b. hollering "LEGS ELEVEN"..lads and lasses... in nothing but a grin..
whiskers covering wrinkly chin...and believe it or not.... it gets worse..

I,m well past fabulous forty, though not yet peppered with silver and grey..
with a waist tightly pinched to just under 24 inch..
but have to say...i,ll never again see 42...frivolous times when i went astray..
but i threw off the blues... and at the end of a fine sunny day..

took the high road to London to see if streets were truly paved with gold..
spent me savings on white wine spritzers...rainbow sherburt...sugar dummies.. which i have to say were scrumptious...
briggs best pasties... topped off with barrads plum dumplings..
then had to spend nights under the stars neath Tower bridge arches...
among the drop outs singing for me supper.. which wasnt very proper...
out in the cold..

Had words with me mother..who preached of morality..
a woman alone could attract all kindsa things....like.. ?? calamity..
i said "aww mam shurrup..i,m over 18...
there,s things i have,nt seen.... id like to re-live my youth..
she stuttered .."lords truth...act your age....be sensible...
you,ve a mortgage....miss a payment....you,ll be back with me and your da again.. .. and that would be.......well...?... plain horrible...

"mam you know you love me best when i,m irripressable.."
"lass... behaviour like thats reprehensible"...
you,ll be eating us out of house and home... we,ll be reduced to eating cold porridge..

and i really could,nt stand it..you trailing in at all hours....climbing in the bedroom window from the roof of the garage.. on your princess tippy toes..
drunk as a skunk... disorderly".....i just turned up me nose ..stomped off in the huff.....
muttering to myself... and the yorkie.. our little dinky.....frostily.......
"bah humbug"...while blowing a big bubble from penny tray bubbly too big for me gob.

mams parting words..."you,ll regret it, mark my words ... young lady... have you thought about your job?"....

I smiled...cheekily...that felt soooo good... to be classed as young...
and not yet an old biddy... i utterly refuse to be old and twisty..
grumpy,s not for me, i,ll leave that to the oldies.. forever sweet sixteen in my head..... that,ll do for me....

I looked in the mirror.. glad i had no wrinkles...but me mam brought me down to earth..."they,ll not be looking at your face...
and watch out for lecherous hecklers and me and your da think you,ve made a big bungle ,
which did,nt fill me with confidence...in fact the opposite i nearly had the hystericals..... so i left early for chapel.....willing to mingle after all i was now ... newly single...






anyway...back at the Chapel...i remember a muffled mention of charity.. funds.. a roof...but i stood with
cloth ears tipsily repeating.."merry xmas... dankershun.....auf weidersen pet...cheers".
as i stood aloof.....sipping mulled wine on the hoof..
that made me feel fine..and to be perfectly frank
without any glasses the world looked all fuzzy....so i just signed on the dotted line .."oopss here comes my first
customer.....for egg and cress on crusty bloomer...time to get busy"...

By the way ive no wish to do owt illegal, i have,nt the energy for anything naughty, its ower much faff on, ower much clart..and certainly ower
much upheaval.

How will i fare in my job as a magistrate..?. i know my talents are "multi"
but yesterday i couldnt quite concentrate.. as i let the prisoner go free while finding the jury very very guilty..

I lock the doors close the curtains... of course...start warming up
with a wiggle here and there...i jiggle all around the kitchen
then jump down from the 2nd stair...i,m shattered and to top it all my stomachs no flatter, and i feel no fitter.. but i refuse to be bitter..

So i,ll just sit here prostrate on the setty the kids have departed to a willing aunty Betty..
i waved them off through teary lids...then raided the biscuit tin
while emptying the fridge..
i,m scoffing jammie dodgers....feet ensconsed on the pouffe..
i,m demented with worry...

How will i look in a skimpy top? our abigail looked shocked.
."like a portly hippopotamus mam"..our william sniggered as my confidence dropped...
"and dont dare wear that mini skirt..me da will think youve turned into a flirt..
preposterous.. will be the word"...

"abigail hinny... what i do now is no business of your da,s,
he made that quite clear when he left us for that...floozy.....over the hill barmaid..newly installed at the "lamb to the slaughter".......
a proper raspberry tart"...

I jump about the bedroom like the very fit fat acrobat..
allegedly i whisper gaurdidly for fear of libel.. folks get a bee in their bonnets very quickly these days over nowt and will sue for owt..
its not worth all the trouble...so i button my lip..as i take a trip..
to the local chippy but not without my lippy...thats as much exercise as i need.. our william raised his eyebrows..
"eehh me mothers dippy"...

I left with our abigails words ringing in my peachy ears...."mind how you go mam... its been snowing... its dead slippy"...
.

A very dark Winter soon turned into a bright and breezy Spring and i set off on the day in question.. i knew i looked a mess.. head full of stress, what would the day bring.?

i wasnt cut out for a short leapord print dress, what a morbid mess..

judging by the frosty stares that greeted me at the gate..i knew i looked a state....
in spiky heels i ran for the bus..leaving the kids and me mother white faced... making a fuss..

as i waved bye bye to my cordial credibilty as a pillar of virtue and respectability in our local community..... i felt like jumping off.....but as we raced through Langley moor..the conductor swung on the bell..next stop Stone Bridge .. ding dong...

i started with a nervous coff.....

so we trundled into Durham... heeby jeebys taking hold...i didnt have much on i wasnt warm.. in fact i was nithered......by the way to you me thats cold...i dothered and dithered..

I thought they,d have been discreet but Durham had the flags out..
streamers were strung all the way up North road as far as the Electric board couples kissing and courting...some lasses stood up.. crying...
lads by the co op too much lager... fighting...
bonny fairy lights lit up Millburngate roundabout....it all looked very inviting.

Up above the Railway station.. helicopters circled.....eeehhh i thought there was nee need to call the army out.. ...could feel my chest tightening...

It was frightening.... and at one time i wouldnt have dared...

Looking over Framwellgate bridge..the River Wear... dark... murky...

i stood stock still... stared..straight ahead...

lightening flashes illuminated the gloomy durham sky..

I spied the Lambton worm up by Prebends bridge.... tail in the air.. lurking...
in all his slimey finery.... oh my...

I was sure like me he,d aquired the hump....till i polished my glasses the worm disappeared.. quickly replaced by an old tree stump...
just then the weather brightened up..

but still..i wanted to sit by the river ... watch the grass grow..nice and quiet..
but knew in my head i had to do this....if not next time at chapel there,d be a .... well basically .... a riot..

Tables were out on Silver streets cobbles...shaded by fancy parasols...

in the blustery spring breeze... they wobbled.....in fancy heels my feet were on fire.. but words ringing in my ears....don,t give up....god loves a tryer..

The Cathedral stood in the hot bright sun.. tall and proud..looking down on the majestic celebrations..up in the market..the salvation army played by marks-es an uplifting song had to be sung...
market traders bartered their wares giving lusty looks to busty ladees..free,.. with every turnip and tatie.....

The Mayor was on show bedecked in all his velvet finery.. he gave a regal bow as he blew the whistle to start the show on the elegantly dressed Town hall balcony.

I nearly turned tail and sneaked into the nearest Winery..perched myself on a high stool.... settled in for happy hour.. 3 drinks for a fiver..or better still got the bus home to hide under the duvvy... much safer..

a small dark cloud sat above.....threatening a shower....but everything seemed to brighten up.....as in my tracks i was stopped....cos

there it was by the "Big green horse"...painted red and white..with psychedelic bunting,.. of course...........i thought i,d sold my god fearing soul..

till i saw mrs b. and the lasses smiling...as they sat beneath Durhams beautiful Maypole.

felt so happy i was flying.........

turning in..doggo.. with a cuppa n 2 pieces of lemon iced madeira.. lovely but at £1.20p for a piece no bigger than a postage stamp...i,ll pass on it next time.. daylight robbery..make that 3 pieces mights well push the boat out .. really live it up..better than wine i should think, if i have to have an addiction far better be cake as alcohol..

computer acting up .. bit like me really... too tired to go out tonight...
started to watch bbc 4. interesting. medieval.

mam gave me the ringtons coffee set won by her mother on a raffle ticket sold by Brandon pit..ive never used it neither did she..we shove things away and never get the benefit from them...

tara..terror..she,d bite me soon as look at me.. we don,t get on..it does,nt bother me.. megs my dog..

seaside puppet show...

potty about teapots...dotted about in no particular order covering

every available surface.. windowsills.. tables.. upstairs.. downstairs..have help to dust them all.. not.. they just don,t get done.. flick with the feather duster now and again....adds to the mystique..

waiting of meg finishing her supper before we go out its cooler now.. and 3 things being aries bother me in life cruelty.. justice .. fairness..

ive just looked on teletext a field full of pregnant ewes have been stolen from a field near me..how can anyone do such a terrible cruel thing and manage to sleep at night with a clear consience ..i don,t honestly know.. and yet... we eat animals....
some do, i don,t, not anymore, nothing with a face passes my lips....
then the dog left in a bedroom to starve, 3 weeks it suffered.....
thats it really....... shame on folk....off out..breathe in fresh air..

this is a true tale and im not ashamed to admit it.. when my friend lived down the street.. i could not believe the perfectly good furniture she threw out for the bin men to pick up just to make way for new..

one day i went past with chubbles and noticed she,d put a pile of beautiful carpet tiles by the bin..
i knocked and said would she mind if i had them for my kitchen.. " of course not" she replied smiling..

...it was november dark nights just before i was stuck in the house again....
i pulled on my sons black woolly hat one of those designer affairs tucked my hair inside..pulled on black mitts scarf.. set off down the street..
i could see her pottering in the kitchen i looked in the window she didnt see me which was good as i was laughing..and she,d have got a fright..

i thought i look just like a cat burgler.. i knocked.. she came out to see me carting away a pile of tiles.. they fitted perfectly well..they cost her a lot.. and were brand new she just didnt care for the color...
such a waste of good money..

sitting in the garden.. i,m burning but sun is good for the bones.. vit .d. cant find the sunscreen....i.ll cut papers outside, keep the place tidy..less work the better.

.I had a bike .. basket on the front i loved it gave it away last year gathering dust, i,d like another so i can freewheel down to croxdale..not yet for a good while.. to the river dip my toes.. lots of trout down there..remember catching tiddlers with a net years ago..not allowed now of course.. which is best.. fish stocks are dwindling..

as i was coming in the drive my brother pulled up back from holiday... with my new table.. his perfectly good old table and chairs, dining suite..will now be my perfectly good new table and chairs... its never been used and was going to the charity shop.. charity begins at home,.


I read yesterday about a major star .. he,d rather pay think it was £9.99p for 4 ties than lash out lots of dosh for a designer effort.. i,m like that... its a matter of principle with me.. i could make a career out of hunting down bargains..
just to prove a point.. you can,t take any of it with you..

having said all that i nearly left home after dinner cos no one wanted to help...
i sat looking out of the window thinking....keep going.....and i do....

friday is our butcher day, he,s just been so its ham n pease pudding sandwiches, a fave.
he always drops off 2 chocolate wafer biscuits too, he,s a really nice, kind man.
Ive had more energy as the day has gone on.

I,ll try getting out too... at the end of the day a lot of my time was taken up elsewhere....everything in moderation is the key.... the housework wasnt getting done, i wasnt moving forward.... i fiffed and faffed too much....buried my head in the sand.... at the expense of the real world..
the worlds a lovely place...... outdoors.... countryside..fields....fresh air.... peace and quiet.. but i,ll be keeping myself to myself..i,ll never change..i like my own company..

thought came to me last night.. i,d been in the bath got water in my ears.. not a big deal for some.. for me it magnifies my probs..
given the choice would i be deaf or blind.... ?

i,m deaf in one ear.. i thought it didnt bother me.. it does..big time.. more than i realised..
the sound of my own voice is, to me, muffled,.

as a child id go to bed in my hat the flaps covering my ears.. i had a nervous cough, every so often id have to cough just to test if my hearing was back to normal.. dad would be watching tv with me and i,d drive him bonkers.. he would say .. gillian for goodness sake ...

just dont like hearing it, my voice......if i,m listening to anyone which is rare..
cos its tiring for me..i have to be looking at them directly...nothing is spontaneous..its hard work..
you end up in a world of your own my gran was the same.. i was her ears....
it helped make me the way i am.. i worry that im not going to hear what people say and so look silly...i feel myself going red.. getting anxious.... company ? theres no joy in it for me..

so id choose to be blind ive seen everything i need to see.. i,d rather hear and feel...as ive always done..thats enough for me..
i,d be no use to a friend.. id be hard work.. i drive myself up the wall..
so i,m ok really... here..

over the weekend.. i,ll make some cards.. read.. ive a new book well its not new bought it last year just havent settled to do any reading really.. its the faithfull spy about terrorist activities..

i love books in fact id say i have a mania for them, insatiable appetite, yet i,m aries usually we dont sit still long enough to do anything as boring as reading . if i was recovered id be taking life by the scruff of the neck..never sitting still which is why this enforced inactivity has been a nightmare..
ive had to grit my teeth..

i know without doubt the problems ive had in life would never have happened if id felt ok.. everything is magnified and a chore when ill..
all i wanted was to be left in peace to recover my health..
its everyones basic right.... i bet everyone else would have done it..
been selfish..i,m not the type..
you hear people say... "oohh ive got the sniffles..i,m going to bed"..
try what ive had is all i can say..without complaining..

Ive been in a philosophical mood.. pondering.. hope i,m not gonna change into one of them dear old dears who sit on the front step singing .. "when i was a lass...".. probably with a pipe in me mouth.

having computer trouble too.. net crashes.. all sorts.. spooks in the works.. that's been happening in my abode for the longest time....

people, houses, can be haunted..top experts will admit to it..
but every one believes what they deem to be true for them,
this is a good thing wouldnt do for us all to be the same.. life would be boring..
proving without shadow of a doubt we are all different..
i don,t want to dance to the same drum as everyone else.. dare to be different..

i,m having wrongs numbers lots of them i,m not even in the book.
i,m looking into it..ghosts do exist..

it,s a shame this is coming down to make way for houses..i,d rather have had a craft shop, or a herbalists..book shop.

yesterday out 4 times. last night in the dog house..something small insignificant, you have a choice.. listen or don,t ... i don,t...
block everything by counting to one hundred..works..

asleep early..woke and went out with meg..1.45am can,t believe i,m admitting to it..
but streets are quiet at that time. i,m used to it from the nights i waited up and still do esp at weekends waiting for offspring coming in from those dens of iniquity....


stumbled on a quote site.. discretion is the better form of valour..
if no one believes it becomes the proverbial self fulfilling prophecy..
true for me..ive never trusted or believed anyone or anything for eons,..
no trust no joy, esp where theres fear..

and magic.. i didnt think it existed..but i realise now..some people have it inside, for what reason ? ive no idea.....all i need next is to find out why me..and how far can it stretch..thats about it really..
out into the garden..

been a really lovely day.. bit chilly.. made some cards in the garden.. paper blowing all over the place.. have tea, nod off, go out for a walk.. tired but thats life...

signing out.. work.

started to watch flood then thought one disasters just like another.. seen one seen them all so got up and took meg out, bit too tired, wet but very humid out, thundery weather. turning in.

off into the living room. i think i must be in there. all in .. an hour a day..
kitchen addict among my craft stuff, its strewn about...higgle de piggle de..
can,t find anything it,s in no semblence of order..
been up an hour and im ready to turn back in.

got that feeling again... as kids we,d press down on each others heads then let go, then you felt as if you were floating.. all day yesterday till about 5pm-6. not sure.. don,t try this at home..scares me witless so i don,t mention it.. best not..
dreaming don,t know what about yet..

I,m buying some new gnomes. i bought a gnome mould last year,
an attempt to make my own. chose the one on special offer, there wasnt a description of it just the name "pudding basin" gnome and the price so took a chance, i made it, painted it,
going through old photo,s noticed a pic from the 80,s a gnome i,d bought at a car boot sale near us,
i thought it too nice to sit outside so it sat by the fire,.

one day while re decorating i put it out into the garden, next day it had vanished, no postcard nothing.. not the scribe of a pen..
as i put the finishing painting touches to the new gnome i noticed it was the very same design "pudding basin" gnome that had been half inched from my garden..

it,s probably sunning itself in majorca now, the stolen gnome..or where ever gnomes go on holiday..

theres an old wives tale they come to life..get up in the middle of the night and walk the earth..toys too, dolls, teddies.

my son went bananas for a "boglin".. the most horrid creatures you could ever wish to see.. sat on top of the wardrobe looking out of it,s box..in the spare room, out of the way.. its still there...

making cards today, ink running low, didn't watch any TV yesterday after all, listened to the blackbird while i made angel cards in the kitchen..doing my own thing...it lands in the back garden every teatime, between 4pm- 6pm.

lopsided empty des. res.

apple plum pear trees in full blossom quite small but last year bumper harvest of fruit. eating apple crumble for weeks on end..chutney wasnt nice, mam said gillian chuck it out..so i did..i,d bought labels and everything on ebay.
didnt improve the taste..

bird house badly needs lick of paint. it,s going to be green with pink roses ,trailing ivy leaves. blue tits have visited every day, have a shufty round in and out then just depart for pastures new..

maybe all for the best, i worry about them something wicked, can,t look out of the window or hang washing out incase i scare them,.

tara the sprocker..

meg the collie. lounging on my good sofa.

fairy card....

spring n roses..

signing out.

cat and mouse..

my lifes lesson was not to react to things i hear, i failed miserably.
as i sat with cotton wool plugs in my ears for weeks as i couldnt listen to anyone elses misery while trying to deal with my own..

alison thankyou for the book.xx posts just been. love the icarus design and the poem.

just to brighten things up.

blog tidying. thats it, i dont feel comfortable blogging any more. theres no joy where theres fear.

the way i feel with whats happened lately i never want to look at a computer again. except the necessary. shop ect.
its crashing on me all the time anyway. spy threats. my data under threat.
i,ll see how it goes may have to call in proper help.
cold and gloomy here..its the only safe thing to talk about weather.

back cos i have to Internet shop.
just to say i don,t bother anyway now neither do i look. that's it really.
one day i may turn up under a tree like a leprechaun,but then no one knows whats round the corner.

back cos ive things on my mind thinking computers the net all of it can be very scary for vulnerable people. being ill id class myself in this bracket.
esp with chronic fatigue..
esp. lately thinking,
my email read out last week saying on one the socializing sites at xmas , a message left by a girl saying a boy has the ability to tap into your computer.
so really i said at the time..you don,t know who anyone is.
im glad im on my own. prefer my own company anyway. in quiet.

deleting this blog bit by bit im just going to be blogging on the new one next door to this one its going to be about cardmaking and hobbies as therapy
started off as st seatiel guardian angel of my birthday then i thought it didnt sound right so changed it to daisy crafts.under my birthday name gillian.

signing out. rest up eventually.

hi Alison if you managed to find me.. can,t get through my computers been playing up for a few days,
its taking ages, a friends having the same trouble hope its not catching,.

hope you managed to get in touch with your "techie" friend who could help with setting up a blog and sorry i couldn't be of more help computers baffle me. its handy if you know some one like that..
i cant remember how i started. i blame age.. over the hill,
.but it was back in November i think..i know i said mine is just an ordinary blog, i dont know wether there are any other kind.

let me know the address cos id love to have a look. the image on the invitation looks very much like a luxurious cushion cover.. the details all risen up.
the black and white images are lovely too. many thanks. xx

post just arrived bought craft cd bidding site. the postage cost more than the cd itself which was £1.
also some new stencils, but ive already been told if i stencil anything else i,m on the street. so ive done my duty and signed a contract.
got some lovely painting stencils for borders roses and ribbons.
lighthouses too.

signing out. rest up. its very strange how the little bump between my fingers has disappeared into thin air, ever since strange things started happening middle of January.

dove pic which just proves im no photographer. new camera but still fuzzy. supposed to be a pic of a dove. taken at the weekend.

pouring down. although mist has lifted. think the doves have left the nest theres been no sign for quite a few days. no sound at all. its quite eerie.
didnt get out after all but in the words of little orphan annie .
" termorra...theres always termorra" . had a lovely hot bath instead.
offspring uses all the water after tea. till the baths overflowing.

popped back in to say as ive always said im trying to recover my health.
i was told at the beginning of last week i have to have tunnel vision or i won,t ever be better,
so i,ll just be here now and again.
usual boring drivel, weather, birds ect, ive not the desire the energy or the inclination to do much else.
I,ll be shopping on the net thats it..i won,t be looking anywhere else,
as i sit with the sound of silence.

theres a life outside and i want to be a part of it not stuck in the kitchen on computers that i,ll never understand....its not real life......
i want and need to be among real people too.
...not trailing up and downstairs, to and from the top of the bed, base camp.
so its blinkers really.

and as soon as the sun comes out i,m taking meg out or calling a taxi to go and see dad.. i might have no energy but anythings better than stuck in here..
not learning to fly .. ive no wings, i,ll crawl a bit then totter then walk .. baby steps..they,ll get me where i need to be..x

very foggy out. maybe that means it,ll be a nice day.

turning in.

sid ? your computer went bonkers last night or monday night mines been bonkers today hope its not catching..bloggers all to pot too. hope you didnt put radox in your tea after all. you must have a lot of fun down the allotment.
have a good day today. love to gilly. my computers haywire couldnt get through.

tidying the blog. yes computers gone to pot.

computers gone to pot by the looks of things. cant upload images.. security alerts. all sorts today. meltdown..

early night back up listening to ian. cuppa.

just woke. looked out into a lovely day. bit chilly.

not even a bird whistling. eerie.
signing out.

alison i hope you managed to find the blog ok. if you did then you can obviously read this.
let me know if you open your own id like to look at your work if you decide to put it on display.
sorry i coudnt make the exhibition maybe next time.
i,m re arranging my card work ect. on here,deleting some, putting up new. bye x
ps thankyou for the images they are beautiful. i loved the "blossoming out". post arrived safe.

signing out.

cold dark and damp. no birds whistling. sound of silence.
signing out work.

turning in.

signing out. turning in. tv in peace.

hobbies. handmade cards spring and baby girl. decoupage. hand painted bookmarks.

xmas early

meg the collie

turned in at 8pm back up 3.20am so staying in bed till lunch time.

sons just said there are 2 doves the ones we have nesting.. sitting on the fence kissing each other..not a care in the world...

signing out.

dark and cold out. waiting to have more bloods taken took advice at the beginning of the week.
utter quiet again.
theres not even a bird whistling outside. brothers off on holiday at the weekend.

back up for a cuppa then going straight back. bit pointless really.

signing out.

waiting of the shopping arriving. utter quiet. cold and windy. theres a new helpline for m.e. advice.
a specialist can come out to the most severely affected and over a period of 2 or 3 days interview on tape about symptoms. other tests can be done at the freeman but thats too far for me yet.

had advice at the start of the week that if i don,t have tunnel vision and think of myself i won,t get any better. this is what ive been doing. or trying since before xmas...
.i want and need to be better sharp as poss..

dreaming of mam, opened the door of the cupboard under the stairs 2 bags with xmas presents in a bag, 1 for me 1 for son.
then some one delivering me a baby grand , can,t remember much else.
under the weather this morning understandibly.
but i think if you think of things then write them down they become more real, so from now on its lets pretend a lot for the longest time.

woke at 4am to the dawn chorus. sunny but cold. white frost out. thats it really.

rocking up the kitchen.. love loud music..esp late ...j blunt could have wrote my life story.
missed what ian said about me..acker bilks, lovely song. dad liked him. played it every sunday.

fiddling with colors then turning in.

watching tv multi tasking prisoner. love actually.. at the beginning it reads as the plane went into the twin towers no messages of revenge were sent only words of love..........

one thing put me off at the start bad langauge no need for it.. esp the f word not good at all.
i nearly switched off...
but its about xmas .. good.
nice watching tv ive gotta watch it some time. sons got the bacon out ready for supper .
the white ball in the prisoner didnt seem scary at all..been years since i watched it.

signing in and out...son wants my computer..............

remember age 1o being in the bath we,d said, cuz and me that we,d play schools in the kitchen .
i came down out the front door in me nightie, went round the back of the house and in through the back door screaming blue murder. i got such a telling off from mam and dad..
made to sit on the stairs for what seemed like hours i cried cousin cried ..not good behaviour..

son jumped out the other night and frightened me.. i screamed blue murder.
.my hubby said behave both of you cos the neighbours will think you are being murdered and anyway you cant complain cos you did the very same thing to me years ago...for the longest time
said he was worried about his heart..

id forgot, but apparently on the way to mams id run fast as i could leaving him lagging behind..id then hide in the coal house and jump out as he came in..
he said ..not only that i did it often, id jump out of cupboards. hide under the bed.

.i did it as a child too to my cousin.. its a very bad habit and im confessing..in the hope of redemption.. of course there never is any not for me..anyway..
.my excuse was, some times a fright does you good..
lifes one long complete fright.

remembered too id write letters to dad saying the council were coming to dig up his garden to make way for the new road...he loves his garden..
and id post xmas cards to my mum in law from daffy and donald duck.. id scribble the signature so she was never quite sure..

shocking.. i hope she,s up there looking down thinking, you made me laugh jill.. or jillymint as i was called..on account of the addiction to polos i had..that and many other things midget gems. all sorts..

got quite a bit cleaning done .. feel better for it..... not a sound disturbs the peace. suns out too..
skys full of those big white fluffy clouds.
working.... moving...ive rememberd a motto.. if you have pain..
nothing moves unless you do..dont think its correct i,ll have to check..
inactivity kills .. but its about pacing getting it right. discipline... i have none at all..

all i can do is get up every day and keep trying. same as everyone.
there are folk worse off than me thats for sure.

mid day. utter quiet. cleaning. kill or cure is my motto now.

cold dark morning..rains forcast..catch up on jobs day. quiet in the kitchen birds are whistling.

having tea and toast.. dogs snoring..for england....tidying as i go..turning in. pouring down its never stopped..

gonna rain. salad for tea.. do a bit painting tonight. although sons playing footie house to myself so i may just do "nowt".....

things in life might look easy but in actual fact ......are anything but.
.you just have to get on and do it bite the bullet ..feel the fear and do it anyway..

suns out but chilly. quiet no birds whistling as yet, maybe theyve all gone to durham much more to see,, better landscape than my back garden.

having fish n chips a rare ity..sons idea. been peace n quiet today listening to birds whistling little blackbird arrives every evening same time. bitter cold even thought suns been out.

so in reality it,ll just be. weather. birds. an odd story dotted about. fiction. lifes full of fiction.

cold and dark out. raining like yesterday. it poured .the weather.
in reality what else can you say on these things. blogs. nothing much. of any importance anyway.. eyes of the world.

when you discover you can pick up in a psychic way how do you live in the real world ?
come down from that plane . that train of thought..
its the only thing ive done. dont know any other way now.

dreamt of summer middle of july i was counting the weeks. wish i could jump from here to there without this middle bit. not a nice place to be.
plus i dreamt i couldnt breathe. truly a nightmare. was thinking how will i manage, what will happen to me if it gets worse and i have no breath at all. not good

having a cuppa then turning in. listening to j blunt. new 1.
remember when the only thing to listen to was sunday night 6pm till 7pm. the charts.
had one of those tiny, transistors they were called,
only song i remember off the top of my head crackling rosie.
brought me to thinking other songs with roses.. lady rose ive still got the single.. cover perfect nick, it,ll not be worth "owt".

thinking bout the blog if i didn't have it no one would even know i existed.
I've no other way of communicating with the world. even less now than ever.

here cos im in the dog house.utter quiet apart from blackbird whistling in garden its gonna pour down. prob on my head even though im in the kitchen.
chuckled a bit bout that but its anything but funny.
had 2 strawberry yoghurts. a pork pease pudd.bun, naff combi. a twix.

tidying the blog.

cleaning... sundays jobs day. tv. tape country file if its on,
watched that last year every sunday then seemed to drop off.
remember a man down south had a retreat for dogs you stuck your dog on the train this end he picked it up that end they had their own kennels proper log cabin and harrods hamper
he took them for walks there were hundreds..

turning back in for the 3rd time lucky.

keep forgetting what i was gonna write.

might as well have stopped up.
soon as i sat down in front of computer draughts around me, behind me and left ankle.
itches,
had advice today that ive to look forward and use the energy in a positive way.
picture being well.. a goal. be ruthless..easier said than done..

its always been the same a picture of nice weather me sitting under a tree.
everything else has to be blanked out and at the minute its an impossibility. i,m stuck.
understandable when ive been here such a long time. same groove. same routine.
i,m ok then i,m far from it. like now.
ive realised today that the way forward isnt sitting in this kitchen its out in the world.
i could write a book about anger,
i,m not an angry person as a rule but if you keep it in it turns inward on yourself.
my heads fragile i cant even listen to anyone.. i just say sshh straightaway.

was told too ask my guide cos we all have one.. some times 2.. to help.... show me the way..
and that i want to be well.. healed.

still light out. chilly. didnt figure out what the symbols above were its still all gobb,le de gook to me.. can you teach an old dog new tricks? na. my mam went mad when i said na...so......

very quiet.. some things may look easy.. they are anything but.......
quotes.. don,t judge a book by its cover.. we are all the same underneath..
out side is just wrinkly skin.
prefer the new dark color not so showy..cos to be honest this sort of thing is as far from me as you can get.
remember when first married i missed all my family so would throw a party every week just to gather everyone round.
but it would be practically in the dark. the lowest of lights. my mam would say for gods sake gillian turn the light on. i refused point blank. thought of drawing attention fills me with absolute dread.
and its all down to the fact as a teen i suffered with acne. i hid behind my hair.
and would never speak up incase someone looked at me.
.its why im the way i am cos you cant relearn how to be confident with people. its something that comes when you are young every comment colors the way you look at life and people.
i never went out without make up i just would stay off work if i lost my make up bag. work was a living nighmare on show.. every day.

my hubby never saw me without it for years which is, well not good..

and now when im past it... i dont have one spot. life..

utter quiet.. blackbird whistling by the front door. dark and cold outside it wont bother me. havent even checked tv listings.
could have watched corrie omnibus. hollyoaks. but too much to do.

thinking of teaching kids yourself.. cos what use is where coffee is grown or how many wives king henrys has, when they really need to be taught.. life skills.

in my book angels it explains how we ask a question in our heads..
then answer ourselves back this is our higher self speaking..
.exactly what i do on here witter away to myself..

so in reality what can i say with faith.. got up sat in front of the screen went back, got up, went back.. same things over. cos theres little else going on..
and the human race mystifies me.. wondering why in gods name people do the things they do.
this is where i fall short.. i dont understand anyone..

I,ll be no where this weekend same as ive been all week. best way. i couldnt anyway.
intuition. thats life i suppose.
do a bit of reading.. watch a bit t,v tonight. a video maybe..
and the way i feel this will go the journey too blogging, cos you can,t write about stuff that means everythiing to you.. your life and memories..places.. people.. good times thats all i ever wanted a durham memory blog.

innocent stuff cos in my life and past ive only known 1 person..really,
apart from a few workmates..she was a dear workmate.
we didnt know anyone else just kept ourselves to our selves.
apart from her dalliance with a bad lad...sad i dont know where on earth she is..
last i heard lumley.. married a policeman..

dear jessie..leona. red dress. s.b. vanessa.p. lindisfarne..

ive gotta start watching some telly soon. its bucketing down here.
if i hadnt been ill my life would have gone like this.. at mams most days all day as id always been in the past,. at jills house.

out with the dog 3 times a day as far down as croxdale.. right upto brancepeth..
shopping durham..myself..mam cant get out now..
with my cousin at the metro ect,havent been yet..she goes to music festivals and events bents park all over really..
jumps on the back of her hubbys motor bike and goes to bike rallys in a tent..

working with jill running card classes at the shop. thats an open invite..
and id prob be a dunelm goth..
thats what they all do round here.
id be fish out of water but what else is there..
all this and house work in between... not likely id hire in..
very fragile head..groundhog day.. forever.

not much to say really stories and fantasy is ok for these sort of things not real life.
annabella sent my new book angels, about healing, mediumship, psychics.
she started young too.
not good sometimes when you pick up everything thats going on, soak it up.
you can train yourself to switch off. i havent learnt how too yet..
i,m a novice.
i just love listening to people they fascinate me..
when me and mam went to durham id make her sit in the market by the market tavern.. that was the only seat then.. and id "people watch"
..could have stayed all day..

when out of action some of the senses and abilities are defunct ,with me its lacking evergy so i over compensate by using other senses, i study peoples faces.. read them like a book, the few i see, its usually the 2 in here..
i scare my son.. id scare me too...

if i watch telly i know who isn,t well, i overcompensate too by using ears.. listening to everything, even silence..
thing is some things i hear affect me big time.. and not in a good way..
i piece things together like a jigsaw..modern day miss marple.. i do it in here,
i question every single thing i hear,. ive had to live by my wits..

start me off searching for an answer to a life problem give me the jist of it and i,ll be there before the person who,s asked.. and prob. be able to second guess where they are going next, before theyve even thought about it themselves.
its just an ability. theres no medals to be had for it quite the opposite.

yet i fall short when it comes to myself cos emotion gets in the way.
mixing it all up.
im in here yet i still know whats going on out there in the world.

maybe i,ll be better when i watch some t.v., real world. mutya,s right, real girl.
only way to go.. id have been ok if id been well. out and about. fresh air.wide open spaces.can,t have everything. make the best of stuff. no choice.

thats what i,m doing over the weekend. t,v some reading. d. dancing.
the parks looked lovely over the last few days in the sunshine.

heavens ians on about apples..id just have eat the lot . end of dilemma.
i,m off, can,t have a cuppa cos theres a spider as big as my hand sat by the kettle.
groundhog day.

turned in early trying to recover my health..
back up listening to ian....maureen ? you have been missing from the blog pooff gone like a puff of smoke no explanation im sure you look at this..i said last week id post my no text me to let me know you are ok or not please.. ian says he hasnt heard from you either. its 07806805025
im hoping youll be up listening like me to t.s. popping over to t.s..

I was all fired up to looking up college course so went on the new college site theres some courses id love to do have always wanted to do always dreamed of doing but in reality i know its not gonna happen.
had every intention of signing up, if i could for september, give me the incentive to try harder but i have to accept it. and move on to resigning myself really.
signing out. cant even get on me own computer now.

listening to music player Leona. Alicia. Kieth urban. been quiet today not many about few kids in the swings. watched hollyoaks gotta start somewhere sometime. its not natural not to watch tv.
everyone does.

havent managed to do anything. shopped on the net its a slow as a box of monkeys..
pouring down and washing is out. not good. reading a good book by ?
forgot.. called angels.

should make a time for blogging wittering onto myself cant be higgle de piggle de
all day.
marian keys.. irish author, so witty funny..
her characters all have nightmares and are calamity prone me to a t.

not thinking about story characters cos i dont work like that i just sit down and write whatever comes into my head. no plot..
my head is too steeped in treacle to plan the next 5 mins i can handle that,
im trying to recover .. i shouldnt be doing any of it..give the brain a rest but one day i,ll learn.

signing out loadsa work ..catch up..

little blue tits very busy in the birdhouse.. doves still feeding. suns out.

woke under the weather but with an angel phrase in my head..
the world says...I,ll believe it when i see it... angels say. I,ll see it when i believe it.
it,s about trust..belief...

back up listening to truckshunters, going straight back .. bit pointless really ..
getting into no dialogue with myself now. no point.. no voice. no sense half the time..
blog tidying.

blog tidying. 2 blackbirds feeding out the back, 2 doves out the front, bluetits pop in now and again. ordered a new birdhouse. other ones listing to one side bit like me.
clicked on some ones blog leona singing "first time" such a fave and roberta flack always a fave too.
don,t know where leona,s been hiding really, but she,s the best singer around by far.
personality to match.
signing out god bless all with healing..

i know this much and its as ive always said till im better im best off by myself thats all,
simple stuff not too much to ask cos the worlds too much for me..
no one gets me so i gave up listening to anyone other than myself ages ago.
all trust has gone, kaput.


signing out. rest up.

2 blackbirds nesting in the holly bush. its dead prickly. signing out.

obsessed with clouds .. its warm enough to sit out so i did. looks like a bear eating a baby, don,t know about the one at top.

maureen ? where are you. heads banging but going out to soak up some sun its very weird weather..

surfaced suns shining but still cold. turned in early, woke during the night got up for a cuppa.

i think sometimes the pixies come in to make life more difficult. its like wading through quicksand. listening to ian, turning back in.

its cold and snowing too, thats about it really, ive nothing to say.
except theres 2 little dove nesting in our tree and i bet they are freezing.
signing out.

rest up.

up quite early for a change.. its cold and been snowing a blizzard..wet snow..

turned in early, back up, listened to sue, ians on now,
sure my house is haunted very weird noises but then it is the dead of night. new moon yesterday we could make a wish, i forgot. mam used to turn a sixpence over.

snowing a blizzard. looking for the cheese found it in the cupboard i didn,t put it there so some ones going loopy, this isnt good news,
plus we,ve a mouse.
im thinking, 7 more weeks and half a year will have gone...

turning in soon.

snowing a blizzard. windy cold.

signing out.

postcards through the ether.

having a lovely time wish you were here.........
by Prebends bridge that spans the meandering River Wear,
i,m reclining unwinding neath tall ash and oak, where summer laid her vibrant cloak.

kingfishers dive and the missel thrush sing, i dip my toes rinsing my woes,
they drift downstream,
i dream,
in the shadow of the majestic Durham Cathedral that standeth tall, proud,
and very regal.
giving sanctuary over centuries to pauper and king.

beautiful scenery but i,m not really there you,ll never find me,
only my thoughts wander free in the mystical ether i,m not really here either,
no princess in her ivory tower but a hermit chained up locked up without the power,

but im the proud bearer of a golden ring, my aura sparkles with positive mind energy
my heart skims the starstudded highway i travel on angels wings,

i see Durham unfurl through eyes tight shut,
i walk paths of gold without moving a foot, i return never having left refreshed,
the intrepid explorer becomes avid reporter, an astral traveller,
bone weary i am here maybe filled to the brim with fear ,
so ... leaving myself in the chair, i dream...think myself there..

did my writing drawers out a while ago which is how i came upon the stories poems ect.
it gives summat to write cos being in the living room with the telly is boring.
and i prefer to look at words.

sons gone to play footy . its freezing and snowing a blizzard.
gonna wash up make a few cards got birthdays coming up, watch bit t,v.
mission impossibles on, what a weird time afternoon, its usually after the watershed..
those kinda films. usually sleep after that. catch up.
started new vitamins spirulini.
signing out.

turning in...

doing a bit of writing, then its an early night .

Its been snowing but not much.. cold though..utter quiet. as it should be.
watched some tv, first time in ages, dr who, quite good.

but i knew, if i didn,t survive and its been touch and go, then the blog will be an epitaph...
and what would be left? a few daft stories and poems and a few bonny pictures. "nowt" special.
just summat to take my mind off things. thats all really.

set the washer away... meg the collies in the garden fur standing on end cos its freezing out,
ive a million jobs that,ll keep me occupied..even if i don,t feel up to it...these things have to be done..then rest up till teatime..
im thinking of the advice i had yesterday, look after yourself, if not, you,ll never recover.
i ignored all the advice, sadly to my detriment..

we,ve got doves nesting in a tree by the door, and blue tits looking around the birdhouse.

just came across a good book an old one. quotes which i love..
meditation.. all this talk turmoil noise and movement is outside of the veil within the veil is silence calm and rest, some people, sadly can,t grasp it..

all that lives must die , passing through nature into eternity. william shakespeare.
no one knows whats round the corner for any of us..life is but short.

absent in body- present in spirit -- corinthians

what we can see with our eyes comprises less than 10% of the universe the real power sustaining its architecture is the energy contained in the 90% unseen.

the definition of madness is to keep doing what you have always done - and expect different results.

we as humans are experience starved--a person who has some --attainment--can zap people..and it is very seductive, its very addictive, people want that hit again and so they hang around the teacher. r. ray.


if we open a quarrel between the past and the present we have lost the future. winston churchill.

as human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world- more in being able to remake ourselves. gandhi.

trust--- in god..a higher force.. ..without trust in something good we have nothing.. an early grave. a wasted life.

humans must connect with the "infinite mind" that which exists in our soul, through meditation,. their lies all the answers.

suns out .. its a lovely day but chilly, cold, snows expected...tomorrow, weekend weather..
signing out to work. megs looking at me sad so i,ll let her out into the back see how the doves are doing. thats it really. signing out.

turning in 2.23am.

wash up.. tidy... housework's like a revolving door.. endless...........blog tidy.

sometimes i think if you have difficulties in life they are there for a reason.
signing out, rest up. theres only one person who can help you, yourself.

ive been told today i must make myself priority or i,ll never get better.
its just putting off, just prolonging the agony. how true.
but if you dont rate yourself very highly then you think you dont matter and so neglect your body spirit and soul, and thats like,
not professional suicide its human suicide.

suns shining in ... lifes very weird. lord i could sleep on a proverbial clothesline.

the psychic said, "you know you can trust me gillian", thats it that was after i emailed back for confirmation . i just said ive draughts around me. i didnt give him that name.
some folk are really good and deserve to be where they are. but the worlds full of cynics.
and really i am gillian or gill. i kept the gilly .i thought its nice but my son said drop it mam you arent 17 any more.

I,m changing my tack now on here, ive got to.
ive no voice anyway so may as well talk only of positive things it doesnt change things
. so its anybodys guess how i feel really from now on, .
i spend time thinking.

plus ive talked myself to death and still no body got me.
and at the end of the day im an open book.
i wouldnt know how to mask stuff you need a degree in psychology for that, i havent got one. although thats the one thing id do. cos the workings of peoples minds fascinate me.

but it gives me a headache trying so, with the m.e. i had to give it up.

thought for months that people like me sensitives should just live their lives in utter quiet cos thats where i go wrong i hear speaking through words, i react, trying to help,
i shouldnt, so now i dont.
i keep it to myself which is what i should have done in the first place i wouldnt be where i am now.
ive learnt my lifes lesson that was it others have their own. everyone has one .

the dead dont frighten me.. cos good always triumphs over evil.

my gran said its the living you need to be scared of.
in the past the living have scared me witless. cos i hear things,
thats where im maybe different i cant help how i am i didnt choose to be like this i hear things in other places too so its like a jigsaw fitting together.
i saw an apparition once as a child. a man climbing onto the bed,
an anglo saxon, very weird.

im thinking too that i dont have any dealings in spells and stuff my gran warned me away from using even the ouiigi board, im scared witless of it,
but if spells are used they can take on a life of their own,, unleashing all sorts. (poltergiest)
i cant believe you can buy them on the net. all kinds of spells.

i always just put my trust in a higher force working and helping out and utmost priority, trust.
if you dont trust youve got nowt.