hazy days ..?

just passing some time. my house looks over the park at m. been here 25 years.
I was a sunday school kid at the chapel just down the road and my old primary schools a bit further down.

hated school bullied by a girl in the next street, big family not my type. ,

one day aged about 7 i walked in on her trying to steal the dinner money out of the tin on the window sill.
she told me with a look quite chilling and sinister that if i breathed a word of it her sisters, 5 of them, older, would be waiting for me after school.
the start of my nightmare. things like that do things to your very psyche..you go into survival mode. it never left me..i remember being in the dinner room tears dripping into my rice pud.
the headmaster mr lane asked what was wrong but at that age you cant think like a grown up you think of ways out by using a childs mind, nightmare.. i just said i was ok..

upshot is she hadnt had time to open the dinner tin, so i had nothing to tell but it started off a sadistic campaign.. where i wasnt able to play with anyone else, and in class i sat at back she at front if teacher asked a question she looked round, if my hand was up i was in trouble after school so i just closed down.

I wanted badly to pass the 11 plus so i could wear a uniform and get the school bus up to the posh school. but she scared me so much i wasnt capable of doing anything much..i never put my hand up anymore..

I waited for the letter, when mam said i was going to brandon i nearly dropped dead with fright,,i knew they put your head down the toilet on your first day, i was way outta my depth, i dreaded it ..
the last summer before brandon spent at the school where i was at my happiest was tinged with the fear, i didnt enjoy it, felt sick every day.

dad was up the garden with the new greyhound and wondered what on earth the racket was..i wanted to go into burn hall and be a nun just so i could get out of school...

my brother 5 years older had left school, and in those days mam n dad lived in with gran,
when they moved out he,d been living there 5 years, he pined so much the doc said you are going to have to let him go back, so he didnt live at home..i was an only child really,
but when i think back i couldnt have stood a house full of people i just liked quiet,
it became the norm. too many people scared me.

an aunty in hull would visit with my 2 cousins and when mam said they were coming i wanted o run away.
they were navy people uncle had a good job they travelled the world, although dad had a good job for the county council i always felt we were low..theres a reason behind it my dad was always made to feel the outcast when young, it happens sadly in families. yet hes the loveliest man.

if anyone in the outer family gave him a lift in their car he,d have his hand in his pocket first
before he,d even got in, i just picked up on it and felt we were never good enough.
and lads didnt help either.

I was just led, i never spoke up for what i wanted, but thats all i knew ...

when i started at woollies i was ok apart from shy but when i got promoted it was bullying again, well more like frozen out that does things to your head too but i must have some aspect of my personality that encourages it....

I just let the other person have the floor.. a follower..i watch others to see how i should be never push myself forward... i listen in here too,