past life..

had a lot of extra stuff to sort out yesterday. early on. after post, red tape stuff. bureaucracy. phone calls, letters.
ive had to do these things for my hubby who has disablities, for years. theres a long list,
that have been going on since 4 days before our first wedding anniversary. i was 19.

when my life changed as well as his, a road accident on his way to work. not his fault.
some times i just felt like running away. still do, 7 years of legal wrangling,
they didnt hurry in those days, destitute as he couldnt resume his normal job. ever again.
but you know you can,t run away from responsiblities.. you make the best of whats thrown at you. its called survival, everything else goes on the back burner..

some years have been better than others but never what they should have been.
he now has c.o . p. d which is a chest disease ,progressive so its gonna get worse at age 52.
how many years left? some days i wonder.. he can,t "do" very much..

yesterday brought me up and to the decision early on in the day that i need a life as well,
cos my healths suffering cos of it too, but i feel guilt if i think of me..

i wasn,t given any compensation for trauma..i had a miscarraige, he was in a rehabilitation centre for months i was in hospital by myself,
yet they said cos it didnt happen immediatley it didnt count..
aye thats right, just heap it on a a bit more..cos i went on to have another, i never learn.
.
if i dont start looking after myself a bit
i cant look after anyone else.
i feel as if i turned into a mother age 19..its been that way ever since.
now its a bit easier cos its a case of everyone has to help out as and when they feel up to it.

but if i don,t think of myself as well i,m not going to get through.. in a nutshell basically.

i rang the doctors surgery yesterday, cos i was fed up,he,s ringing me back lunchtime.
its summat I've gotta do and its fight the fear really. grasp the thistle.
the reality of my life..