Friday 29 February 2008
one of the houses at top of south street must have belonged to dean n chapter cos different masters lived in it with family.
gran would have to go in and clean it out ready for the new arrivals ..
i sat in the garden one day which was out back in agony waiting to go to the dentist.
in the days of gas..
the mask the whole shebang i had 8 out so must have been about 8.
must have been baby teeth so mebbe i was younger..
why 8 out ive no idea..should have let them drop out cos i saw dragons and all macks when they put the mask over my face.. nightmare.
gran would have to go in and clean it out ready for the new arrivals ..
i sat in the garden one day which was out back in agony waiting to go to the dentist.
in the days of gas..
the mask the whole shebang i had 8 out so must have been about 8.
must have been baby teeth so mebbe i was younger..
why 8 out ive no idea..should have let them drop out cos i saw dragons and all macks when they put the mask over my face.. nightmare.
anyone lucky enough to have lived with the sound of the cathedral bells chiming the quarter hour would understand the magic of durham. to hear those bells every day brought peace into your very being well it did with me..
and to cross the road from the river, climb over the wall into the rugby field
and hear the many rooks cawing in the trees, just like stepping into another world..
we,d run ahead of gran checking our camp was still there in the trees, and hadnt been raided,
then rush through the arcade doors through the main hall along the passage to our room.
drop our coloring books onto the long table,
i remember thinking i bet the vikings made these long tables.. glass cases surrounded the walls full of fossils, ancient coins, the glass was broken on one case,
i thought anyone could walk in and half inch them and be gone.
.id plonk down, look round and think, 6 whole weeks here, isnt it grand..
gran would empty her bag hienz tomato soup for our dinner..it never filled me up,
when milly worked there later we could have our dinner as an extra.
later when a bit older we helped out at the christmas dinner,
bringing trays of food through from the kitchen onto candle lit tables..
it was fun we felt grown up,,
when everyone had left we,d take the steel dinner trolleys and race them down the hall from one end to the other. jumping on,
having a ride..marks all over the varnished floor. we,d be in trouble..
we hid on the stage behind the curtain,,
they got tired of looking had other more important things to do..
and to cross the road from the river, climb over the wall into the rugby field
and hear the many rooks cawing in the trees, just like stepping into another world..
we,d run ahead of gran checking our camp was still there in the trees, and hadnt been raided,
then rush through the arcade doors through the main hall along the passage to our room.
drop our coloring books onto the long table,
i remember thinking i bet the vikings made these long tables.. glass cases surrounded the walls full of fossils, ancient coins, the glass was broken on one case,
i thought anyone could walk in and half inch them and be gone.
.id plonk down, look round and think, 6 whole weeks here, isnt it grand..
gran would empty her bag hienz tomato soup for our dinner..it never filled me up,
when milly worked there later we could have our dinner as an extra.
later when a bit older we helped out at the christmas dinner,
bringing trays of food through from the kitchen onto candle lit tables..
it was fun we felt grown up,,
when everyone had left we,d take the steel dinner trolleys and race them down the hall from one end to the other. jumping on,
having a ride..marks all over the varnished floor. we,d be in trouble..
we hid on the stage behind the curtain,,
they got tired of looking had other more important things to do..
I always wanted a "durham memory" blog. ever since last year about june, when i first got the computer. so i,ll just jot a few down now and again.
I remember the day i started my first job it was a Saturday July 14Th age 15 n 4 mths.
Big Meeting day, busiest day of the year. people were already milling about before 8am.
i thought its an ungodly hour to be in Durham, id never been in this early before
i remember the buses hoofing it down silver street, seeming to miss me by inches.
lovely warm day sunny day. dinner money in bag, clean hankie. stomach in knots.
I wanted to go back home or up south street to the school, gran was in that morning early too, extra work, term ended a week or 2 before, deserted, except for egdar, 2 stans, joe,
i could have sat in corner block with feet up on the desk while she cleaned,
it was all id ever known.,for 13 years.. long time..winter 3 weeks, spring 3 weeks, summer 6 weeks, autumn 3 weeks, all my school holidays, i wanted to live there.
later when the built the new San. that was gonna be my house,
i furnished it out in my head. loved the veranda looking over the rugby field, heaven.
didn't want to work from 8,45am till 5.30pm Monday to Thursday,
Friday, till the ungodly hour of 9pm. Saturdays 6pm.
didn't matter how much they paid me, it could have been hundreds,
money never interested me, i always had enough to get me out at night that was all i needed.
i couldn't imagine how id survive. till home time..
I passed dewhirsts the butchers the shop full of busy, blond lad behind the counter,
i looked away,
thought it'd be better if i appeared uninterested, i was really,
looking back no wonder no one bothered, ice queen, a very fitting name,
i was unapproachable,
lads were too much bother..
I remember the day i started my first job it was a Saturday July 14Th age 15 n 4 mths.
Big Meeting day, busiest day of the year. people were already milling about before 8am.
i thought its an ungodly hour to be in Durham, id never been in this early before
i remember the buses hoofing it down silver street, seeming to miss me by inches.
lovely warm day sunny day. dinner money in bag, clean hankie. stomach in knots.
I wanted to go back home or up south street to the school, gran was in that morning early too, extra work, term ended a week or 2 before, deserted, except for egdar, 2 stans, joe,
i could have sat in corner block with feet up on the desk while she cleaned,
it was all id ever known.,for 13 years.. long time..winter 3 weeks, spring 3 weeks, summer 6 weeks, autumn 3 weeks, all my school holidays, i wanted to live there.
later when the built the new San. that was gonna be my house,
i furnished it out in my head. loved the veranda looking over the rugby field, heaven.
didn't want to work from 8,45am till 5.30pm Monday to Thursday,
Friday, till the ungodly hour of 9pm. Saturdays 6pm.
didn't matter how much they paid me, it could have been hundreds,
money never interested me, i always had enough to get me out at night that was all i needed.
i couldn't imagine how id survive. till home time..
I passed dewhirsts the butchers the shop full of busy, blond lad behind the counter,
i looked away,
thought it'd be better if i appeared uninterested, i was really,
looking back no wonder no one bothered, ice queen, a very fitting name,
i was unapproachable,
lads were too much bother..
mam phoned to say her friends gone to blackpool caravan season opens mon. im thinking aaww i wanna go too even though i only like it cos its flat..and i dont like caravans or the cold or wind
cant imagine being on a caravan site full of people nightmare..they might want me to join in some awful games. twister with strangers..
the towers lovely esp when lit up worth seeing.. as you come down the motorway you can see it lit up from miles away....wasnt travel sick prob cos i was older.
cant imagine being on a caravan site full of people nightmare..they might want me to join in some awful games. twister with strangers..
the towers lovely esp when lit up worth seeing.. as you come down the motorway you can see it lit up from miles away....wasnt travel sick prob cos i was older.
mind medicine room.
read a book mind magic..taught myself to have a mind medicine room.
some where you go in your mind to heal yourself.
when i first tried it 8 years ago i followed instructions. imagined it all in front of me.
just as the book instructed, imagined a place in my head..
I started by walking up a few steps opening an old worn wooden door ring type handle,
cold to touch, went through into short stone floored corridor, to left, music rooms,
turn right up stone stairs, right,up again, left through a door, big room windows stretching alongboth sides,
cross the room into smaller room,shelves filled with jars bottles boxes,
sunlight flooding in, comfy chairs.
each bottle filled with pills and powders, each a health remedy.
pain killers, tranquillizers,, non addictive, tonics,
imagined each bottle labelled and filled with pills of different colors, white, pink, blue,
open, take one out swallow. its fooling the mind into relaxation, healing, the placebo effect.. thinking yourself better, it cant hurt.
nothing to lose..passes the minutes when sitting.. keeping the mind occupied..
some where you go in your mind to heal yourself.
when i first tried it 8 years ago i followed instructions. imagined it all in front of me.
just as the book instructed, imagined a place in my head..
I started by walking up a few steps opening an old worn wooden door ring type handle,
cold to touch, went through into short stone floored corridor, to left, music rooms,
turn right up stone stairs, right,up again, left through a door, big room windows stretching alongboth sides,
cross the room into smaller room,shelves filled with jars bottles boxes,
sunlight flooding in, comfy chairs.
each bottle filled with pills and powders, each a health remedy.
pain killers, tranquillizers,, non addictive, tonics,
imagined each bottle labelled and filled with pills of different colors, white, pink, blue,
open, take one out swallow. its fooling the mind into relaxation, healing, the placebo effect.. thinking yourself better, it cant hurt.
nothing to lose..passes the minutes when sitting.. keeping the mind occupied..
it actually looked similar to the face of my first childhood boyfriend he was dark, small. big eyes. policemans son..
his double. he was 15 at the time..thing is im not scared at all of any of it cos it doesnt feel scary, now my nose is itchy ..wicked..
i prefer to be by myself with it
then no one can dispute it..
my brother at the time saw him delivering papers on his bike next door..
and said, he,s very small for his age.. didnt put me off he was charismatic. quite irrisistable. just had a way about him. he still left me for som eone experienced older, so he said..
she was a jezebel. i felt like smacking her.
his double. he was 15 at the time..thing is im not scared at all of any of it cos it doesnt feel scary, now my nose is itchy ..wicked..
i prefer to be by myself with it
then no one can dispute it..
my brother at the time saw him delivering papers on his bike next door..
and said, he,s very small for his age.. didnt put me off he was charismatic. quite irrisistable. just had a way about him. he still left me for som eone experienced older, so he said..
she was a jezebel. i felt like smacking her.
raining here...windy too..ive gotta try to think forward and i can,t i,m stuck. spooky stuff again.. just from no where, feel as if a steam rollers gone over me twice ..ive things to sort in here and ive let them ride.. new 3 piece in the morning, new table n chairs but its causing a bit of conflict.
so i just pulled a face..if anyone knows why my lifes turned out like this please give me a bell.
theres things i can,t even think about...or i,ll be off again..right on time.
.god i need a holiday just by myself.. please.. just in the middle of a deep dark forest..
little house, like the ginger bread house..
ive been put under a spell, 2 or 3 weeks ago..
i was doing ok ..then i started having the "feeling".. and thats very unbelieve able cos those things just can,t happen ..not even in movies, fairtales ..where fairies bewitch you..
thats the only place, im not thinking about it.. i cope with it during the day cos its just me but then..later ..
so i just pulled a face..if anyone knows why my lifes turned out like this please give me a bell.
theres things i can,t even think about...or i,ll be off again..right on time.
.god i need a holiday just by myself.. please.. just in the middle of a deep dark forest..
little house, like the ginger bread house..
ive been put under a spell, 2 or 3 weeks ago..
i was doing ok ..then i started having the "feeling".. and thats very unbelieve able cos those things just can,t happen ..not even in movies, fairtales ..where fairies bewitch you..
thats the only place, im not thinking about it.. i cope with it during the day cos its just me but then..later ..
as i sit here thinking good heavens... what next..?
cos ive been in here for a life time doing the same things.. how do you change all that..
a mega task.. i just want it all to be done..without the hard bit in the middle..
mebbe god should have just kept me up there a bit longer cos i,m too . what?
not of this world, i,ve always been half in half out never my feet on the floor,
ever since a child..
they say folk who sit with feet tucked under them are,nt really at home here.on earth
and were born too soon, before their time , an accident...
tell me about it.
ive always had this vision in my head of the past even when i,m thinking of other things,
for years .
ive no idea why. never the future, and i never think of the present cos its too horrible to go over twice, living its is bad enough without thinking it over again,
ive thought for a long time i was only ever here to act with others in a way to bring about changes in some way, what i don,t know, life lessons, ? mebbe. part of a lifes lesson.
co conspiritor. who knows..
jill said she,d never have opened the shop if not for me giving her the thought..
another thing, sometimes things that happen in life arent anyones fault,
cos it was orchestrated up there...esp. if you try to change it yet it still seeks you out.
in other words there were maybe reasons for it..who knows what..
id have glady given my life to make everything better, my lifes been of no use to me..
loyalty..
cos ive been in here for a life time doing the same things.. how do you change all that..
a mega task.. i just want it all to be done..without the hard bit in the middle..
mebbe god should have just kept me up there a bit longer cos i,m too . what?
not of this world, i,ve always been half in half out never my feet on the floor,
ever since a child..
they say folk who sit with feet tucked under them are,nt really at home here.on earth
and were born too soon, before their time , an accident...
tell me about it.
ive always had this vision in my head of the past even when i,m thinking of other things,
for years .
ive no idea why. never the future, and i never think of the present cos its too horrible to go over twice, living its is bad enough without thinking it over again,
ive thought for a long time i was only ever here to act with others in a way to bring about changes in some way, what i don,t know, life lessons, ? mebbe. part of a lifes lesson.
co conspiritor. who knows..
jill said she,d never have opened the shop if not for me giving her the thought..
another thing, sometimes things that happen in life arent anyones fault,
cos it was orchestrated up there...esp. if you try to change it yet it still seeks you out.
in other words there were maybe reasons for it..who knows what..
id have glady given my life to make everything better, my lifes been of no use to me..
loyalty..
surfaced full of cold sore throat as usual. hot. i,m thinking ive gotta move.. make changes.
its time. freedom beckons..set my mind to thinking of the world..wide expanses..
ive done my time in here.. locked in a prison cell. half of it of my own making..not any more.
.
just outside the freedom river runs..everyones out there having a grand time..
ive said all this and it,ll not be soon..
but its in my head..thats where everything begins.. with a thought..
it,ll be anything but easy..i,m used to challenges..its the only life i know..
and the spooky stuffs started already . i,m not doing anything.. not guilty your honour.
its comforting all the same, the words n actions don,t always equal the feeling, mixed,
but ignorance is sometimes bliss..
1st march tomorrow i said id llike to be in the cathedral for my birthday,
i,ll not make it cos its not long away.. but its on the cards..
its time. freedom beckons..set my mind to thinking of the world..wide expanses..
ive done my time in here.. locked in a prison cell. half of it of my own making..not any more.
.
just outside the freedom river runs..everyones out there having a grand time..
ive said all this and it,ll not be soon..
but its in my head..thats where everything begins.. with a thought..
it,ll be anything but easy..i,m used to challenges..its the only life i know..
and the spooky stuffs started already . i,m not doing anything.. not guilty your honour.
its comforting all the same, the words n actions don,t always equal the feeling, mixed,
but ignorance is sometimes bliss..
1st march tomorrow i said id llike to be in the cathedral for my birthday,
i,ll not make it cos its not long away.. but its on the cards..
Thursday 28 February 2008
music..
off again,... coldplay always did it.. don,t see chris martin much, babysitting apple prob..
think they should just scrap clocks. we,d go to bed when its dark like the hedgehogs, get up when light. we are slaves to, time.. draughts back again..like a whirlwind really, from no where.
i,m starting to think theres another force at work here.. who knows who that could be cos all kind of spooks mooch the universe..not just the ones we know... mischief makers..
i,m starting to think theres another force at work here.. who knows who that could be cos all kind of spooks mooch the universe..not just the ones we know... mischief makers..
spooky life
back again.. how true was that.....life? what can i say.. its just gotta be the most spooky , weird thing ever, will anyone ever understand it..? answers on a postcard..
..preferably with Durham cathedral printed on the front. or the castle. silver street. saddler.. elvet.. pimlico..south street. fram bridge..the whole shebang, not forgetting elvet bridge.
browns boat house which is now jimmy allens bar...so i,m told.
theyve spoilt it all. new buildings popping up all over..!
..preferably with Durham cathedral printed on the front. or the castle. silver street. saddler.. elvet.. pimlico..south street. fram bridge..the whole shebang, not forgetting elvet bridge.
browns boat house which is now jimmy allens bar...so i,m told.
theyve spoilt it all. new buildings popping up all over..!
psychics...guardian angels.
psychic stuff , ? id describe it as 2 minds in 1 head. when i,m listening tuning in i,m not here i,m there, where ever there happens to be,... how spooky is that.
.thing is, i didnt ask for it, it all found me, i,m just trying to cope with it,
cos its either that or switching off not listening but i try to help. its like living a duel life.
my heads not here. hasnt been for months
.thing is, i didnt ask for it, it all found me, i,m just trying to cope with it,
cos its either that or switching off not listening but i try to help. its like living a duel life.
my heads not here. hasnt been for months
I remember the day the legal wrangling was over, id held it together,
i went to bits. laid on the settee as its called,
the kind old doctor that lived across the road,came out ,
"dont worry he said i,ll soon have you on your feet gillian", he helped me so much.
just a lovely lovely man, sadly not here any more.
had two dogs, westies they were terrors ..of the highest degree.. jamie n scampi.
utter quiet i cant put up with any noise .
i went to bits. laid on the settee as its called,
the kind old doctor that lived across the road,came out ,
"dont worry he said i,ll soon have you on your feet gillian", he helped me so much.
just a lovely lovely man, sadly not here any more.
had two dogs, westies they were terrors ..of the highest degree.. jamie n scampi.
utter quiet i cant put up with any noise .
guardian angels
jon cainer astrology said..today.. a guardian angel has been looking after me.
and when i asked the angel, "where were you i can see only one set of footprints" ??
he answered
"those footprints were mine, that was when i was carrying you"...
im not ashamed or too proud to admit i,m fragile....
but i still have moments of "zest for life" its escapism..cos i refuse to let life beat me..
what would have been the point of it all other wise? to get here today.. still battling on.
and when i asked the angel, "where were you i can see only one set of footprints" ??
he answered
"those footprints were mine, that was when i was carrying you"...
im not ashamed or too proud to admit i,m fragile....
but i still have moments of "zest for life" its escapism..cos i refuse to let life beat me..
what would have been the point of it all other wise? to get here today.. still battling on.
past life..
had a lot of extra stuff to sort out yesterday. early on. after post, red tape stuff. bureaucracy. phone calls, letters.
ive had to do these things for my hubby who has disablities, for years. theres a long list,
that have been going on since 4 days before our first wedding anniversary. i was 19.
when my life changed as well as his, a road accident on his way to work. not his fault.
some times i just felt like running away. still do, 7 years of legal wrangling,
they didnt hurry in those days, destitute as he couldnt resume his normal job. ever again.
but you know you can,t run away from responsiblities.. you make the best of whats thrown at you. its called survival, everything else goes on the back burner..
some years have been better than others but never what they should have been.
he now has c.o . p. d which is a chest disease ,progressive so its gonna get worse at age 52.
how many years left? some days i wonder.. he can,t "do" very much..
yesterday brought me up and to the decision early on in the day that i need a life as well,
cos my healths suffering cos of it too, but i feel guilt if i think of me..
i wasn,t given any compensation for trauma..i had a miscarraige, he was in a rehabilitation centre for months i was in hospital by myself,
yet they said cos it didnt happen immediatley it didnt count..
aye thats right, just heap it on a a bit more..cos i went on to have another, i never learn.
.
if i dont start looking after myself a bit
i cant look after anyone else.
i feel as if i turned into a mother age 19..its been that way ever since.
now its a bit easier cos its a case of everyone has to help out as and when they feel up to it.
but if i don,t think of myself as well i,m not going to get through.. in a nutshell basically.
i rang the doctors surgery yesterday, cos i was fed up,he,s ringing me back lunchtime.
its summat I've gotta do and its fight the fear really. grasp the thistle.
the reality of my life..
ive had to do these things for my hubby who has disablities, for years. theres a long list,
that have been going on since 4 days before our first wedding anniversary. i was 19.
when my life changed as well as his, a road accident on his way to work. not his fault.
some times i just felt like running away. still do, 7 years of legal wrangling,
they didnt hurry in those days, destitute as he couldnt resume his normal job. ever again.
but you know you can,t run away from responsiblities.. you make the best of whats thrown at you. its called survival, everything else goes on the back burner..
some years have been better than others but never what they should have been.
he now has c.o . p. d which is a chest disease ,progressive so its gonna get worse at age 52.
how many years left? some days i wonder.. he can,t "do" very much..
yesterday brought me up and to the decision early on in the day that i need a life as well,
cos my healths suffering cos of it too, but i feel guilt if i think of me..
i wasn,t given any compensation for trauma..i had a miscarraige, he was in a rehabilitation centre for months i was in hospital by myself,
yet they said cos it didnt happen immediatley it didnt count..
aye thats right, just heap it on a a bit more..cos i went on to have another, i never learn.
.
if i dont start looking after myself a bit
i cant look after anyone else.
i feel as if i turned into a mother age 19..its been that way ever since.
now its a bit easier cos its a case of everyone has to help out as and when they feel up to it.
but if i don,t think of myself as well i,m not going to get through.. in a nutshell basically.
i rang the doctors surgery yesterday, cos i was fed up,he,s ringing me back lunchtime.
its summat I've gotta do and its fight the fear really. grasp the thistle.
the reality of my life..
Wednesday 27 February 2008
guardian angels...
guardian angel.. im very spooked tonight uneasy even..
but thats the price you pay for a novice psychic head..
i havent done anything wrong.. i know that for certain.
but you know.. ....
spooky stuffs being on for a while... sudden draught too no windows open..ive gotta spook..
draughts only in one place.. behind me..weird as owt..i,m off to investigate.. back.. no wind up ive looked outside..
i went in living room said to son can you feel a draught he said no but ive just seen a blue light by the coffee table..gets spookier. a haunting, i just hope its not dabbling in black magic..
not cold draught, quite warm.. my heads prickly..worrying thing is..
if ive gotta spook it,ll be able to hear me sing, dont sing very often but all the same..
draughts only in one place.. behind me..weird as owt..i,m off to investigate.. back.. no wind up ive looked outside..
i went in living room said to son can you feel a draught he said no but ive just seen a blue light by the coffee table..gets spookier. a haunting, i just hope its not dabbling in black magic..
not cold draught, quite warm.. my heads prickly..worrying thing is..
if ive gotta spook it,ll be able to hear me sing, dont sing very often but all the same..
xams wishes.
judging by the sorry state of this "book" must have been about 5. id keep all our xmas cards then in jan. if off school, (which more than likely i would be) with either earache or chilblains, i,d make my own books. i,m writing of wishes and angels way back then..
pictures stuck down with elastoplast...
didnt ask for much even then.... to see baby jesus..!
easy pleased..
memories...
gran by the fire. grandad looked after me while mam was working. he sprinkled that fire with "vim", left it for a while then had me cleaning it off with a wet cloth...after we,d drank oxo with cream crackers. then of course he sent me up the chimney..victorian era..
the frying pan on the wall was always promised to me as a kind of dowry for when i was married.
I didnt get it after all...
girlie magazines..
first ever letter sent to a comic. or girlie mag.
my "father" was always just my dad. so i was obviously putting a twang on. !
reads...
I liked princess of sorrow, prize page too right! but really i liked them all, and i fancied a table tennis set.
Ive hardly been asleep very weird night, so at 4pm i,m off, land of nod.. rumplestiltskin has nothing on me....computers covered in dust, i must make moves..its always tomorrow..everythings tomorrow tomorrow never comes.. i ll love ya tomorra..
jon cainer gives good astrology advice, its been challenges for me.
still not a lot of sense...need a crystal ball. and a magic wand..
jon cainer gives good astrology advice, its been challenges for me.
still not a lot of sense...need a crystal ball. and a magic wand..
...angel cards..
shuffled n randomly picked out an angel card from the pack...
young adults.. i am guided and protected as i begin to choose my path in life.
young adults.. i am guided and protected as i begin to choose my path in life.
Tuesday 26 February 2008
fairies abound.....
cheer up pic..fairies.. in fairy land id imagine..!
spreading sweetness and light,
looks very nice..nasturtion flowers i think..
our garden at home seemed to be littered with them they grow and spread like wild fire.....very pretty all the same..
I also painted garden pots with roses, made my own gnomes, sent away for a gnome mould,
made baskets of fruit out of salt dough, baked them in the oven then painted them bright colors.
salt dough sheep, christmas choristers in red robes, pigs, dogs, i discovered hobbies.
after stencilling i began cardmaking. now ive boxes of them. every occasion, and still desire to make more. signing out for a rest.
made baskets of fruit out of salt dough, baked them in the oven then painted them bright colors.
salt dough sheep, christmas choristers in red robes, pigs, dogs, i discovered hobbies.
after stencilling i began cardmaking. now ive boxes of them. every occasion, and still desire to make more. signing out for a rest.
cant settle so im back up. stencilling ? was something i nearly needed therapy for.!
i nearly left home because of it, lots of complaints..
bought myself new kits and in the bathroom, tugboats, kitchen, trailing ivy n grapes,
still have grapevines on side of breakfast bar, now, ? its pots with sunflowers in,
hall,? well thats a posh word for passage here, trailing pansies, they trailed all the way upstairs.\
ive donna dewberry kits ive never used yet. rose borders for walls with blue ribbons. very realistic looking, faux shelves with pottery bone china cups n saucers.
faux windows that look out onto green fields, farmhouses dotted about,
black cats languishing on the window sill.
castle walls, small turret windows looking out into french vineyards..
all can be simply painted onto walls but i just had to give it up till my energy levels rose,
these are the things i occupied myself with uptill then.. not too long ago really,
i nearly left home because of it, lots of complaints..
bought myself new kits and in the bathroom, tugboats, kitchen, trailing ivy n grapes,
still have grapevines on side of breakfast bar, now, ? its pots with sunflowers in,
hall,? well thats a posh word for passage here, trailing pansies, they trailed all the way upstairs.\
ive donna dewberry kits ive never used yet. rose borders for walls with blue ribbons. very realistic looking, faux shelves with pottery bone china cups n saucers.
faux windows that look out onto green fields, farmhouses dotted about,
black cats languishing on the window sill.
castle walls, small turret windows looking out into french vineyards..
all can be simply painted onto walls but i just had to give it up till my energy levels rose,
these are the things i occupied myself with uptill then.. not too long ago really,
sense n sensibility..
utter peace n quiet. ...but still spooky.if anyone can make sense of it answers on a poscard cos im baffled.. thats the wrong word cos really its amazing..so should say im amazed every day.
in a nutshell really. im off...
in a nutshell really. im off...
diary of m.e.
havent gone yet i tried to work before i went up to my sanctuary, i need to send my camera back for repair so hunted in the shoe cupboard for the box got carried away as you do,
came across another box of teapots, so brought a couple out, new pair trainers,
books, feng shui, sylvia brownes, "the other side"
she is american and amazing at psychic stuff, all kinds, now im exhausted,
knew summat was up yesterday cos id symptoms back, flu ey, no voice, ect.
and slept most of day, just upstairs most of time so ive really gotta go up and rest,
and i need a laptop too to make things easier, but it,ll need setting up, i,ll have to do it.
need the fairies in too to do some cleaning you dont realise till you start really looking about, how much needs doing. washers on salad for tea.
rest will do me good.. just utter peace n quiet.
came across another box of teapots, so brought a couple out, new pair trainers,
books, feng shui, sylvia brownes, "the other side"
she is american and amazing at psychic stuff, all kinds, now im exhausted,
knew summat was up yesterday cos id symptoms back, flu ey, no voice, ect.
and slept most of day, just upstairs most of time so ive really gotta go up and rest,
and i need a laptop too to make things easier, but it,ll need setting up, i,ll have to do it.
need the fairies in too to do some cleaning you dont realise till you start really looking about, how much needs doing. washers on salad for tea.
rest will do me good.. just utter peace n quiet.
music soothes the soul...
thinking first time i ever heard build me up buttercup, . brandon welfare hall.. age 13...
pop n crisps abs packed out to the rafters.. a big hall to fill but fill it they did..
remember thinking thats such a good song, never forgot it...just transports me back there..
hot pants were the fashion, mine were black velvet with bib n straps,
cut a pair of faded denim jeans down too and fringed the edges.
wore them alternate weeks,
my cuz had a pair of pink similar, we wore them underneath duffle coats and didnt dare take them off ( the duffles) so spoiled the effect really..
trying to think of other songs at that time. amen corner paradise,
skipping forward to 1970 the ice rink congregation softly whispering was a firm fave, i loved that, full of emotion..if im right it was xmas time..
pop n crisps abs packed out to the rafters.. a big hall to fill but fill it they did..
remember thinking thats such a good song, never forgot it...just transports me back there..
hot pants were the fashion, mine were black velvet with bib n straps,
cut a pair of faded denim jeans down too and fringed the edges.
wore them alternate weeks,
my cuz had a pair of pink similar, we wore them underneath duffle coats and didnt dare take them off ( the duffles) so spoiled the effect really..
trying to think of other songs at that time. amen corner paradise,
skipping forward to 1970 the ice rink congregation softly whispering was a firm fave, i loved that, full of emotion..if im right it was xmas time..
read first few pages of c. church hells angel im changing my mind. which just proves how wrong you can be about people, until youve read the whole story.
he,s writing about his utter love and pure devotion for her...other people messed it up for them..it seems he wasnt the bit of "rough" portrayed by the media...
no one knows the true reality of my life either, esp the last millions of years..
.bet im the only one in the world. and i wouldnt ever dare tell a soul.
he,s writing about his utter love and pure devotion for her...other people messed it up for them..it seems he wasnt the bit of "rough" portrayed by the media...
no one knows the true reality of my life either, esp the last millions of years..
.bet im the only one in the world. and i wouldnt ever dare tell a soul.
wrong numbers again theres a gremlin in the works they say that psychic stuff works along telephone lines, radio waves, if thats the word some kind of waves ..all energy begins with a wave at some level micro wave x rays.. scans..things that use a higher frequency..to work,
my brains slow today..people are talking im not listening i feel like saying please please just shut up..every action begins with a thought.. nothing would ever be invented without a thought.
thought is everything.. like attracts like.. think negative you draw negativity toward and into you.. works the same for positivity..
my brains slow today..people are talking im not listening i feel like saying please please just shut up..every action begins with a thought.. nothing would ever be invented without a thought.
thought is everything.. like attracts like.. think negative you draw negativity toward and into you.. works the same for positivity..
new books arrived hells angel c. church its written by an ex. i didnt realise.
charlottes pic splashed across the front. didnt think that kind of thing was allowed.
and is it right? not in my book. private things must and should be kept secret.
all for money .. blood money...he mebbe got a couple of good holidays out of it
but .. in later years no peace of mind...betrayal after love, of the most wicked kind.
charlottes pic splashed across the front. didnt think that kind of thing was allowed.
and is it right? not in my book. private things must and should be kept secret.
all for money .. blood money...he mebbe got a couple of good holidays out of it
but .. in later years no peace of mind...betrayal after love, of the most wicked kind.
trying to make sense of all of it.. my life ect.. things happening that i seem to have no control over.. its just happening.. outta my hands thats what it feels like..and its very spooky stuff..
i sometimes pretend its not happening cos it means coming back from a psychic place and trying to live in the real world..how to marry the 2,, long story.
but ive heard and felt things in another place, the mystical ether .. why me? heaven knows.
i sometimes pretend its not happening cos it means coming back from a psychic place and trying to live in the real world..how to marry the 2,, long story.
but ive heard and felt things in another place, the mystical ether .. why me? heaven knows.
what can i say today?....
just that, ........ suns out in m. its very cold, havent been up too long,
ive woken up with a burnt arm.? too near hot water bottle..and a big scratch right across my nose which looks.?. well not good basically. my fault. dreams..
i can see words, battlements fortresses buttresses i dont really know what a buttress is,,
also , standing, looking down from a certain point of durham cathedral tower,
not the top, i,ll have to check, im looking out of an opening like a window.. just an opening really i feel terrible vertigo...very weird and my dreams..they don,t improve..or diminish...but are a bit too real for comfort..
yesterday i slept a lot and dreamed for most of the time too,
wake up not knowing where i am, what time it is or anything.. sometimes ignorance is bliss..
just that, ........ suns out in m. its very cold, havent been up too long,
ive woken up with a burnt arm.? too near hot water bottle..and a big scratch right across my nose which looks.?. well not good basically. my fault. dreams..
i can see words, battlements fortresses buttresses i dont really know what a buttress is,,
also , standing, looking down from a certain point of durham cathedral tower,
not the top, i,ll have to check, im looking out of an opening like a window.. just an opening really i feel terrible vertigo...very weird and my dreams..they don,t improve..or diminish...but are a bit too real for comfort..
yesterday i slept a lot and dreamed for most of the time too,
wake up not knowing where i am, what time it is or anything.. sometimes ignorance is bliss..
Monday 25 February 2008
??
Thinking when our meg arrived, the collie, tiny little thing, jet black,
bout the size of a mouse, took it upon myself to buy her and arrange delivery,
everyone in the house grumbled and moaned about how our other dog Tara would take to a new dog,
meg arrived and i had to take her upstairs out of harms reach i thought,
i wish id never done it, id have given her away to a good home if i could have found one,
next day introduced her to Tara and everything was ok but nightmare avenue when they started playing,
every time we left the room they'd start, ructions on, so if i was alone id have to take her upstairs with me.
she was good as gold, just lay down beside the door, upside down. company for me.
megs head, which was only the size of a golf ball was permanently wet, cos it was in Tara's mouth so often. got video of them both, meg age 6 weeks would squeeze in between 2 chairs,
sit looking out,
safe,
cos taz couldn't fit in to reach her, then meg would dart out and run under the table, teasing .
she,s the best dog I've ever had, placid, intelligent, good company, cute as "owt". age 3 now..
i,d be lost without her..when our chubbles died i was distraught.
she tried to run away to find a place to die, animals do that.. these dogs are my best friends.
bout the size of a mouse, took it upon myself to buy her and arrange delivery,
everyone in the house grumbled and moaned about how our other dog Tara would take to a new dog,
meg arrived and i had to take her upstairs out of harms reach i thought,
i wish id never done it, id have given her away to a good home if i could have found one,
next day introduced her to Tara and everything was ok but nightmare avenue when they started playing,
every time we left the room they'd start, ructions on, so if i was alone id have to take her upstairs with me.
she was good as gold, just lay down beside the door, upside down. company for me.
megs head, which was only the size of a golf ball was permanently wet, cos it was in Tara's mouth so often. got video of them both, meg age 6 weeks would squeeze in between 2 chairs,
sit looking out,
safe,
cos taz couldn't fit in to reach her, then meg would dart out and run under the table, teasing .
she,s the best dog I've ever had, placid, intelligent, good company, cute as "owt". age 3 now..
i,d be lost without her..when our chubbles died i was distraught.
she tried to run away to find a place to die, animals do that.. these dogs are my best friends.
late surfacing today. what can i say? psychic stuff still going on. bout, well ,10 mins ago. I'm stumped really. that's all i can say...will it ever make any sense...
i don,t have any answers, I'm not a magician, its just happening to me.. it isn't words its a feeling, wish some one would explain it to me.
and Ive gotta show willing, earn my keep, all sorts.....oscars? load of tosh..more important things going on in the world than 1 million quids worth of diamonds strung round your neck
signing out i wasnt gonna blog at all ..its like putting yourself up for sale in fenwicks window and no one wanting to buy you, but thats ok,
it,s for me really and i,ll be putting new things on when i start making progress..
cos its what it is, dead dead boring, just my waffle.
i always loved writing and its just an online diary really thats all.
summat to do..in this life filled with "nowt" really..
i don,t have any answers, I'm not a magician, its just happening to me.. it isn't words its a feeling, wish some one would explain it to me.
and Ive gotta show willing, earn my keep, all sorts.....oscars? load of tosh..more important things going on in the world than 1 million quids worth of diamonds strung round your neck
signing out i wasnt gonna blog at all ..its like putting yourself up for sale in fenwicks window and no one wanting to buy you, but thats ok,
it,s for me really and i,ll be putting new things on when i start making progress..
cos its what it is, dead dead boring, just my waffle.
i always loved writing and its just an online diary really thats all.
summat to do..in this life filled with "nowt" really..
just woke up. cuppa t. im lucky to have such a lovely view out the front nothing to spoil it.
.its the only thing that keeps me here as ive never liked the house. once had a trip to the spirtualist church in durham was told i had a haunting, ghost of an old gentle man, that would figure, cos ive always felt uneasy, 25 years weve been here,
she said do items move, i didnt notice really, this would be about 5 years ago.
i do feel draughts at night when no windows are open,
house built in 1920 my grandad worked on the building of the estate. but don,t know wether anyone died here,
.its the only thing that keeps me here as ive never liked the house. once had a trip to the spirtualist church in durham was told i had a haunting, ghost of an old gentle man, that would figure, cos ive always felt uneasy, 25 years weve been here,
she said do items move, i didnt notice really, this would be about 5 years ago.
i do feel draughts at night when no windows are open,
house built in 1920 my grandad worked on the building of the estate. but don,t know wether anyone died here,
Sunday 24 February 2008
chakras. 7 spinning invisible energy centres in the body. vortices. drawing in energy.
no 7 just above the head.color magenta, function. thought.
no 6. forehead. third eye. function. color purple. see clearly.
no 5. throat. blue. communication.
no 4. heart. green. love.
no 3. solar plexus. yellow. personal power.
no 2. abdomen.. orange. desire.
no 1. base of spine. red. earth related grounded..
no 7 just above the head.color magenta, function. thought.
no 6. forehead. third eye. function. color purple. see clearly.
no 5. throat. blue. communication.
no 4. heart. green. love.
no 3. solar plexus. yellow. personal power.
no 2. abdomen.. orange. desire.
no 1. base of spine. red. earth related grounded..
went up for a rest but its freezing so here i am stuff on my mind. thinking, ive had a bit of a psychic thing going on lately and can sometimes gain an insight into other peoples mindset.
can sense turmoil and wish i could make it better. but what can i say. see ? thats what i mean i know what im gonna say then it just vanishes. and would anything i say make any difference,
can sense turmoil and wish i could make it better. but what can i say. see ? thats what i mean i know what im gonna say then it just vanishes. and would anything i say make any difference,
a betty memory
thinking about earliest ever memory why? heaven knows.
mine is being at home.
I woke one night came downstairs no one about. dragged the crackett, as it was called, dad made it at school, near the front door, i must have been about 2 as any older id have been able to reach the sneck without the need to stand on anything.
managed to open the door went next door across the yard to mrs burdess,s house
bettys mam. remember vividly nearing the back door glancing through and seeing mrs burdess by the sink putting her curlers in, radio playing in the background ,
she must have heard me crying, came out and took me inside. sat me in the rocky chair,
i said "mrs burdess mam and dad have gone and left me"
she said "no pet they won,t have done anything like that dont worry" mam and dad eventually landed back, seemed like forever, noticed the front door wide open.
finally found me, theyd ran out of coal gone to grans around the corner to borrow some.
thats the excuse.
I dont think you ever get over shock and stuff...when young ..loss.!.
mine is being at home.
I woke one night came downstairs no one about. dragged the crackett, as it was called, dad made it at school, near the front door, i must have been about 2 as any older id have been able to reach the sneck without the need to stand on anything.
managed to open the door went next door across the yard to mrs burdess,s house
bettys mam. remember vividly nearing the back door glancing through and seeing mrs burdess by the sink putting her curlers in, radio playing in the background ,
she must have heard me crying, came out and took me inside. sat me in the rocky chair,
i said "mrs burdess mam and dad have gone and left me"
she said "no pet they won,t have done anything like that dont worry" mam and dad eventually landed back, seemed like forever, noticed the front door wide open.
finally found me, theyd ran out of coal gone to grans around the corner to borrow some.
thats the excuse.
I dont think you ever get over shock and stuff...when young ..loss.!.
wondering what we,d do if we knew for cert how many years left, thats the one thing we,ll never be certain of.
at school, junior browney, we were asked what we,d do if we had weeks to live ive still got mine in an exercise book. i can remember thinking age about 1o you wouldnt be able to enjoy yourself at all doing anything for worrying about it, so it didnt matter...i was wrong.
i know exactly what id do, where id go.
at school, junior browney, we were asked what we,d do if we had weeks to live ive still got mine in an exercise book. i can remember thinking age about 1o you wouldnt be able to enjoy yourself at all doing anything for worrying about it, so it didnt matter...i was wrong.
i know exactly what id do, where id go.
just surfaced. i shouldnt blog at this time of day cos its misery anna basically...everyday i think im doing ok then,,well im not at all. tears dripping, im ashamed to admit it and i wont be doing it again cos its not right things should be locked away. which is summat im used to,cos when i was at home its summat i got told off for.
so i just stopped doing it then later on, it turned to fear .
my sorrow has always turned into fear...gonna have a cuppa. perk myself up.
itll not work cos its the same every day, crying for my life..............
whenever i cry my face turns pale.so its really not good wonder why god designed us to cry, tears ect safety mechanism. tears are full of stress chemicals so its the body getting rid of them..doesnt cheer me up at all..
.didnt eat my lunch which caused consternation. beef yuck.
.i,ll try a piece of cake easier .
.there must be many other people feel cut off and lonlier than me.. in a world i used to love.. always..
where did she go ? the lass from durham...
so i just stopped doing it then later on, it turned to fear .
my sorrow has always turned into fear...gonna have a cuppa. perk myself up.
itll not work cos its the same every day, crying for my life..............
whenever i cry my face turns pale.so its really not good wonder why god designed us to cry, tears ect safety mechanism. tears are full of stress chemicals so its the body getting rid of them..doesnt cheer me up at all..
.didnt eat my lunch which caused consternation. beef yuck.
.i,ll try a piece of cake easier .
.there must be many other people feel cut off and lonlier than me.. in a world i used to love.. always..
where did she go ? the lass from durham...
?
I really should tidy the breakfast bar cos its in a state..papers.. angel cards craft supplies,, i dont work well or think well when im in a mess....my own musics going on.
changed my mind off for a rest. powerless........just comes over me like a big wave..
if everyone could have it there,d be no more wars.. just one way of explaining it really.
whats the word? more things on heaven n earth.. bemused..understatement.
changed my mind off for a rest. powerless........just comes over me like a big wave..
if everyone could have it there,d be no more wars.. just one way of explaining it really.
whats the word? more things on heaven n earth.. bemused..understatement.
when betty took me to see the babies i thought,
im never getting married cos i dont want one of those twisty things......
as i got older i thought im never getting married cos i dont want to be washing nappies on my honeymoon i had this vision of lines of nappies strung out across the decks of the qe2..
why the qe2? lord knows..i cant even swim...what if it went down..
and i thought also, age 13..maybe.. im not getting married ever cos thatll mean
actually having to sleep with some one else, a thought that worried me to death.
why do kids think like this or is it just me..?
worry, long before things happen ...pre empt....weirds the only word for it.
im never getting married cos i dont want one of those twisty things......
as i got older i thought im never getting married cos i dont want to be washing nappies on my honeymoon i had this vision of lines of nappies strung out across the decks of the qe2..
why the qe2? lord knows..i cant even swim...what if it went down..
and i thought also, age 13..maybe.. im not getting married ever cos thatll mean
actually having to sleep with some one else, a thought that worried me to death.
why do kids think like this or is it just me..?
worry, long before things happen ...pre empt....weirds the only word for it.
betty. god bless..
wish some one could explain to me about psychic stuff cos ive got it going on,
and its big time...
neighbour next doors just knocked, to tell me, a lovely lady who lived next door to me n mam has sadly died on friday, betty burdess a nurse lived by the pot n glass in later years. i visited often..
.she was the lovely lady who took me all over, my first ever film at newcastle my fair lady its first showing,
I must have been about 5.
she also took me to work with her at dryburn to see the babies...rows n rows of babies in cots as i remember.
thats the only thing that sticks that i hated carrots now i love them..........
.we went for a meal before the show, cant remember the film at all so i must have been very young...
and its big time...
neighbour next doors just knocked, to tell me, a lovely lady who lived next door to me n mam has sadly died on friday, betty burdess a nurse lived by the pot n glass in later years. i visited often..
.she was the lovely lady who took me all over, my first ever film at newcastle my fair lady its first showing,
I must have been about 5.
she also took me to work with her at dryburn to see the babies...rows n rows of babies in cots as i remember.
thats the only thing that sticks that i hated carrots now i love them..........
.we went for a meal before the show, cant remember the film at all so i must have been very young...
back to tidy up the blog n to say the blogs just dead boring wittering on about me its my own stuff i dont mention anyone else apart from my offspring a few times cos ive no right to mention anyone else in my life thats the way its meant to be..and i believe in gaurdian angels spirituallty and psychic stuff of an ethereal quality wheres the harm in that ??
many a worse thing, esp when theres murderers out there..
.i have no other way of getting stuff out.
just wittering on, frivolous stuff...blogging is just me talking to my inner self....
in a nutshell. so its me living a lonely solitary existence which is so very true until i,m well again,, cos when ill you are on your own simple as...even in a world full of people.
.
and a few memories..?
there are people out there who make a living out of it,
im not one of them i just have a past, same as everyone, a heritage im proud of, its just company,
cos at the moment while under the weather i have no present,
im stuck between the past n and the future.
many a worse thing, esp when theres murderers out there..
.i have no other way of getting stuff out.
just wittering on, frivolous stuff...blogging is just me talking to my inner self....
in a nutshell. so its me living a lonely solitary existence which is so very true until i,m well again,, cos when ill you are on your own simple as...even in a world full of people.
.
and a few memories..?
there are people out there who make a living out of it,
im not one of them i just have a past, same as everyone, a heritage im proud of, its just company,
cos at the moment while under the weather i have no present,
im stuck between the past n and the future.
memories
remember at woollies too when i was in the office ,time of ira bombscares xmas bombing campaings we were never out of the town hall, but we had to collect all the cashbags first and lock them away in the safe. we were told incase of fire leave our valuables cos you cant buy another life yet we couldnt leave till the works cash was safe..
trying to think how much i counted every day must have been thousands n thousands
it all had to be exact down to the last penny everything tallying up..
how it did, i,ll never know.
trying to think how much i counted every day must have been thousands n thousands
it all had to be exact down to the last penny everything tallying up..
how it did, i,ll never know.
Im sitting pondering the universe looking out of the window.. as if tomorrow would do daydreaming... think ive had a chill pill ...how long will it last? heaven knows.
my 18th...bought lots of drinks by well meaning people i suppose..mixed...came out of garden house...half way down the road , on the pavement....fresh air hits you.. never again since then.
remember 2 lads who worked in burtons helped pick me up 2 canny lads.. genuine.
xxx took me home sick on the bus really really awful behaviour.. ashamed of it...
xxx stayed over at a lads nearby, i remember thinking how could she do it,,what a loser he was..skin head,
really , rough
she wouldnt be told still went back for more..if id stayed out my mam would have had the police out in force. the army.. even the fbi.
she called for me next morning for work i was too ill to go in,, i thought she looked dreadful so it musnt have done her a hayporth of good
my 18th...bought lots of drinks by well meaning people i suppose..mixed...came out of garden house...half way down the road , on the pavement....fresh air hits you.. never again since then.
remember 2 lads who worked in burtons helped pick me up 2 canny lads.. genuine.
xxx took me home sick on the bus really really awful behaviour.. ashamed of it...
xxx stayed over at a lads nearby, i remember thinking how could she do it,,what a loser he was..skin head,
really , rough
she wouldnt be told still went back for more..if id stayed out my mam would have had the police out in force. the army.. even the fbi.
she called for me next morning for work i was too ill to go in,, i thought she looked dreadful so it musnt have done her a hayporth of good
sue,s been on about tequila ? never tried that either...with the salt my brother used to drink it drink was never a priority when i was young it just dulled the senses who wants that.
so i didnt bother much ,i liked life,, real..not blanked out.especially girls have to be careful..
compus mentis... except for 1 time my 18 th birthday never ever again, i said..
so i didnt bother much ,i liked life,, real..not blanked out.especially girls have to be careful..
compus mentis... except for 1 time my 18 th birthday never ever again, i said..
I,ll settle myself later and make some cards, ive loads of craft stuff and need to use it up..i could read. watch a video. but .....nothing in life is easy..but im starting to feel better and cant get my head round it. really its like pieces of a jigsaw..slowly slotting in.
also where ever its coming from.. thankyou very kindly
also where ever its coming from.. thankyou very kindly
surfaced........... what can i say? ..............
wondering how long i,ll have it today, yest. was nearly all day. well upto about 8pm.
backs bad so dont know what ive been up to,, cant remember much of dream.
except, words, blogs, teachers. schools,, cant make much sense really. off for a cuppa.
and just keeping on keeping on basically. not much choice. im red hot feel like cold coming on.
any one got a magic wand tucked up their sleeve,,?
i could do with one just for lendy,s even,
i,ll give it back after ive played with it...but you know its not about playing any more and never was ..,.lifes difficult enough..
wondering how long i,ll have it today, yest. was nearly all day. well upto about 8pm.
backs bad so dont know what ive been up to,, cant remember much of dream.
except, words, blogs, teachers. schools,, cant make much sense really. off for a cuppa.
and just keeping on keeping on basically. not much choice. im red hot feel like cold coming on.
any one got a magic wand tucked up their sleeve,,?
i could do with one just for lendy,s even,
i,ll give it back after ive played with it...but you know its not about playing any more and never was ..,.lifes difficult enough..
back up cant sleep knew i wouldnt ........cuppa t. cheese n onion crisps..pouring down...
might have a cheese bun wonder why cheese is so lovely yet so bad for you..
cheese n cider... not good unless i want nightmares.. im very lonely...im living in a haunted house.. ive never been to america...i never will.. never see empire state.. madison avenue..
wally world barney bear..
might have a cheese bun wonder why cheese is so lovely yet so bad for you..
cheese n cider... not good unless i want nightmares.. im very lonely...im living in a haunted house.. ive never been to america...i never will.. never see empire state.. madison avenue..
wally world barney bear..
Saturday 23 February 2008
we get a free paper every friday durham times, history page about crossgate, there was a ghost, reported to haunt the peth. she,d stand at the bottom holding a baby, when carriages came by in the olden days she,d climb aboard then at nevilles cross shed have dissappeard.
sez she lost her husband in the battle of n cross, redhills,
how on earth anyone knew, i havent a clue.
Ive always loved durham and the history of it it fascinates me i dont know why,
this is all just my history really its summat ive always done. not just recently.
I live here and im just steeped in it..all of it.. up, down, and round a bout. i cherish it. my heritage. im lucky, to have had the memories i have..
I remember being at woollies and going out back, saddler street, after dark in winter,
looking up and seeing the castle lit up, thinking how lovely it looked and how good to feel the cold frosty air on my face after being cooped up under hot artificial lights all day.
when they said we nearly sent the posse out to look for you id pretend id lost my name badge.
bonkers really.. this is all just my history... everyone has one..
sez she lost her husband in the battle of n cross, redhills,
how on earth anyone knew, i havent a clue.
Ive always loved durham and the history of it it fascinates me i dont know why,
this is all just my history really its summat ive always done. not just recently.
I live here and im just steeped in it..all of it.. up, down, and round a bout. i cherish it. my heritage. im lucky, to have had the memories i have..
I remember being at woollies and going out back, saddler street, after dark in winter,
looking up and seeing the castle lit up, thinking how lovely it looked and how good to feel the cold frosty air on my face after being cooped up under hot artificial lights all day.
when they said we nearly sent the posse out to look for you id pretend id lost my name badge.
bonkers really.. this is all just my history... everyone has one..
my son will never leave home.. its too cushy here. own room all mod cons meals ontap.
wall to wall sky sports mtv.. drove me batty this morning, 15 mins before he went out
like a whirwind, mouth never stopped. mtv blaring, flicking from 1 channel to the next.
he wangled the ten quid phone card after all, itll save him using the house phone.
wall to wall sky sports mtv.. drove me batty this morning, 15 mins before he went out
like a whirwind, mouth never stopped. mtv blaring, flicking from 1 channel to the next.
he wangled the ten quid phone card after all, itll save him using the house phone.
Ive wondered lately why i think in this mindset. young at heart, ive never been any different. think when you have hardship and im not whining just making sense of it, i think you stop growing i read that fact somewhere. you stay the same "head age" .
studying my chart sez aries are the first sign of the zodiac the emerging sign, the baby, never grow up, my sons the same in his middle 20,s shows no sign of settling down, the eternal peter pan.
i honestly think when im 70 if i ever get there i,ll be exactly the same. but its good. and i refuse to conform or change to fit in with society.
these are just thoughts ,the underneath. waffling on,
im ok on the surface.
studying my chart sez aries are the first sign of the zodiac the emerging sign, the baby, never grow up, my sons the same in his middle 20,s shows no sign of settling down, the eternal peter pan.
i honestly think when im 70 if i ever get there i,ll be exactly the same. but its good. and i refuse to conform or change to fit in with society.
these are just thoughts ,the underneath. waffling on,
im ok on the surface.
for a long time ive been putting on a show, a painted smile for purposes of entertainment, cos how can you just bleat all the time who wants to know a bleater? yet i suppose everyone does it but basically my lifes been kitchen at the breakfast bar in front of a screen then upstairs "my sanctuary" its the life of a kid, but needs must..ive still helped keep a house going.
Ive surfaced and its been a weird old day.
hardly seen anyone yet havent felt alone at all, in fact less alone today than any other day.
Im starting to feel refreshed after a nap. it must be years.
just cant explain it so best sit on it a while. spooky stuffs going on big time too.
feel a bit like a secret agent.
havent watched any tv its gotta be months and that cant be normal. but if i dont want to no point in forcing it. its been utter peace n quiet this after. im a bit hungry havent felt hungry in years either, no appetite,
ive noticed ive been scraping more off my plate than goes on if you get my drift..
ive ate to keep alive basically somedays after 12am i just forgot.
theres other stuff though i,m not sure about at all but i can only go with it. i dont understand the meaning of,
sad stuff too but if i think about it i,ll set myself off again which is whats happened right on time when im gonna begin my tea. tears dripping..off my chin,
wondered how long it would be...just sadness..im pathetic really.
hardly seen anyone yet havent felt alone at all, in fact less alone today than any other day.
Im starting to feel refreshed after a nap. it must be years.
just cant explain it so best sit on it a while. spooky stuffs going on big time too.
feel a bit like a secret agent.
havent watched any tv its gotta be months and that cant be normal. but if i dont want to no point in forcing it. its been utter peace n quiet this after. im a bit hungry havent felt hungry in years either, no appetite,
ive noticed ive been scraping more off my plate than goes on if you get my drift..
ive ate to keep alive basically somedays after 12am i just forgot.
theres other stuff though i,m not sure about at all but i can only go with it. i dont understand the meaning of,
sad stuff too but if i think about it i,ll set myself off again which is whats happened right on time when im gonna begin my tea. tears dripping..off my chin,
wondered how long it would be...just sadness..im pathetic really.
mix of humour, love philosophy.
just found some quotes...we think too much and feel too little.
the empires of the future are the empires of the mind.
success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasim.
we cannot do great things on earth only small things with great love.
he that can have patience can have what he will.
keep your eyes wide open before marriage, then half shut afterwards.
there is no grief like the grief that does not speak.
the heart of a fool is in his mouth but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.
the empires of the future are the empires of the mind.
success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasim.
we cannot do great things on earth only small things with great love.
he that can have patience can have what he will.
keep your eyes wide open before marriage, then half shut afterwards.
there is no grief like the grief that does not speak.
the heart of a fool is in his mouth but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.
they say we have chakras, bit like invisible spinning vorteces drawing in energy.
from the top of the head all the way down at specific places, all have a different color..
i feel it there. drawing in of some kind of energy, life force. when it happens im powerless have to stop. its when i blog too...
listening to sue rock it up.....
from the top of the head all the way down at specific places, all have a different color..
i feel it there. drawing in of some kind of energy, life force. when it happens im powerless have to stop. its when i blog too...
listening to sue rock it up.....
also it was quite by accident that i named the blog an angel by my side.. it just wrote itself which is spooky too.the thought, how it came to me i just didnt think about it.
.also when it happens i feel better, something that hasnt happened for ?
well i cant ever remember feeling like this ,, ever since i was young in fact when i was young i didnt feel it. where to next ? trust in something higher at work..
.also when it happens i feel better, something that hasnt happened for ?
well i cant ever remember feeling like this ,, ever since i was young in fact when i was young i didnt feel it. where to next ? trust in something higher at work..
well its just to say ive read about spirituality, gaurdian angels, ive waffled on about it and thought yes i believe although i had no proof then ? i turned the page,
well its the most spooky wonderful thing cos ?
Ive asked kindly, then pleaded, cried, whined, stamped feet and finally gave it up to the universe and ..... well, its happening to me............ in a nutshell basically.
dont know how its done, why, and ive no visible proof that anyone could see,
if they hooked me up to a machine i wouldnt register, but im not alone any more...
bring it on..and thankyou god very much im ever grateful. its awesome...
my very own gaurdian angel...any time of day its been around for last 2 weeks its getting stronger its a "feeling" . faces, eyes, when i close my eyes,
contentment,wasnt gonna say that but it.ll be the first n last..
today, again,..since about before 9am ?
which is why i wanted to write it down but some things arent for blogs.
.or it,ll maybe be gone in a puff of smoke....
just to add ? its the stuff you read about in fairytales....and ive forgot....... my m.e. head ..
just,.. love is up, down .all around...... at the heart of any kind of healing or psychic stuff
ect is love.. a medium told me so . she has a healing sanctuary up in weardale,
you can stay , or just go for the day stress busting classes, healing, psychic readings.
well its the most spooky wonderful thing cos ?
Ive asked kindly, then pleaded, cried, whined, stamped feet and finally gave it up to the universe and ..... well, its happening to me............ in a nutshell basically.
dont know how its done, why, and ive no visible proof that anyone could see,
if they hooked me up to a machine i wouldnt register, but im not alone any more...
bring it on..and thankyou god very much im ever grateful. its awesome...
my very own gaurdian angel...any time of day its been around for last 2 weeks its getting stronger its a "feeling" . faces, eyes, when i close my eyes,
contentment,wasnt gonna say that but it.ll be the first n last..
today, again,..since about before 9am ?
which is why i wanted to write it down but some things arent for blogs.
.or it,ll maybe be gone in a puff of smoke....
just to add ? its the stuff you read about in fairytales....and ive forgot....... my m.e. head ..
just,.. love is up, down .all around...... at the heart of any kind of healing or psychic stuff
ect is love.. a medium told me so . she has a healing sanctuary up in weardale,
you can stay , or just go for the day stress busting classes, healing, psychic readings.
surfaced. very quiet out no wind, son got back ok, i know cos his bedroom door is shut. must have been about 3am thats it really except weekends. ?
don,t like them,and ive got that feeling in the pit of my stomach well 2 actually but ones like , cant explain, don,t know cos have nt had it before, not anxiety, summat close though.. fear of what? heaven knows. it doesnt feel good either way, life ? still bamboozled by it.
and ? i definitely don,t understand it....
don,t like them,and ive got that feeling in the pit of my stomach well 2 actually but ones like , cant explain, don,t know cos have nt had it before, not anxiety, summat close though.. fear of what? heaven knows. it doesnt feel good either way, life ? still bamboozled by it.
and ? i definitely don,t understand it....
im off soon, doggo, night to all nighthawks out there in the mystical ether xxx
if anyone ever stopped me in the street which was often for directions id rather get in than try explaining how to get somewhere, im pathetic at explaining.
still havent opened my butterkist, im just gonna read termorra.. i have 2 videos to watch. too.
if anyone ever stopped me in the street which was often for directions id rather get in than try explaining how to get somewhere, im pathetic at explaining.
still havent opened my butterkist, im just gonna read termorra.. i have 2 videos to watch. too.
weekends started already its gonna last forever n ever......and its only friday...................well no its sat actually same difference............peter will be propping up the bar in yates ?
walkabout..? think thats the name.. lord knows where else then the daftest one will be jumping off fram bridge into the river,........ bonkers.. ive had cheese, n cider, i could get a taste for cider
...I keep having a recurring dream throughout my life, i,m driving a car, i cant even drive and im all over the road, no brakes.....wonder what it means, not in control of your life?
reminded me..
this is the life..... give me a fast car open road.......windows down well not too far its freezing..
music blaring ..
walkabout..? think thats the name.. lord knows where else then the daftest one will be jumping off fram bridge into the river,........ bonkers.. ive had cheese, n cider, i could get a taste for cider
...I keep having a recurring dream throughout my life, i,m driving a car, i cant even drive and im all over the road, no brakes.....wonder what it means, not in control of your life?
reminded me..
this is the life..... give me a fast car open road.......windows down well not too far its freezing..
music blaring ..
Friday 22 February 2008
ebay
won jane asher book ebay 99p...and a craft cd........... checking out russell grants video astrology
for today...it would be yesterday..............
.weekends nearly here. loooooong boring.... sport...
for today...it would be yesterday..............
.weekends nearly here. loooooong boring.... sport...
gonna have to drink 6 cups of tea off the belt cos if i cough my head hurts. its cos of switching over to decaff. sons been back for his phone, the youngsters of today worry the life out of me, spend like no tomorrow, drink like fishes, leave everything at thier back end.
one of his mates got married and after a drinking binge his new wife went out for the day and locked him in. he phoned the lads in the club and said "im coming get me a pint in"
upshot is he jumped out of the bedroom window. lads just won,t be said no to...
one of his mates got married and after a drinking binge his new wife went out for the day and locked him in. he phoned the lads in the club and said "im coming get me a pint in"
upshot is he jumped out of the bedroom window. lads just won,t be said no to...
ive surfaced...sons gone out, durham, left in a whirl n a haze of aftershave.. or lynx not sure which but bit too strong for me so ive closed kitchen door.
.ive spoken twice today. yes n no .
yes son could go on the computer no i wasnt stumping up for a phone card.
gone out in a shirt no jumper or coat, beggers belief it must be below zero in m.
I did the very same thing so i cant preach.. that would be double standards .
draught about,
.ive spoken twice today. yes n no .
yes son could go on the computer no i wasnt stumping up for a phone card.
gone out in a shirt no jumper or coat, beggers belief it must be below zero in m.
I did the very same thing so i cant preach.. that would be double standards .
draught about,
? voices.
I think people might fall out all the time but i take it right to heart. i never recover really.
been in kitchen all day. quiet. think ive forgot how to talk or hear my own voice.
im hot my ears are ringing.. its dead weird. signing out rest time.
been in kitchen all day. quiet. think ive forgot how to talk or hear my own voice.
im hot my ears are ringing.. its dead weird. signing out rest time.
I wish i had a blogger friend but then only a few people would understand.
so i just keep myself to myself apart from little bits here and there.
.i have nt found anyone like me really ever in my whole life.
everything would be ok with girls then something would happen theyd say or do something and id think, redflag no i wouldnt have done that,,and im out of it.
so i just keep myself to myself apart from little bits here and there.
.i have nt found anyone like me really ever in my whole life.
everything would be ok with girls then something would happen theyd say or do something and id think, redflag no i wouldnt have done that,,and im out of it.
thing is you darent tell anyone ,i keep a lot in cos no one understands it,
i would be standing in front of the wardrobe choosing a top but then couldnt figure out what colors went with what, it hurt .. pain....a tired head pain.. unreal..
then you just have to lie down, i thought id die,,
,and letters, if i started one it went on forever its a classic symptom. dont know how sue put up with the length of them..she never complained would say she read them in the bath.
the tendency to write long letters cos you become bogged down in it.
i think ive improved since then, but i dont know cos im on the outside looking in.
i would be standing in front of the wardrobe choosing a top but then couldnt figure out what colors went with what, it hurt .. pain....a tired head pain.. unreal..
then you just have to lie down, i thought id die,,
,and letters, if i started one it went on forever its a classic symptom. dont know how sue put up with the length of them..she never complained would say she read them in the bath.
the tendency to write long letters cos you become bogged down in it.
i think ive improved since then, but i dont know cos im on the outside looking in.
I remember listening to dr gavin spickett and dr nigel speight ,saying many people are just forgot about, dr speight tries to penetrate thier psyche and reassure them as no on else understands,
he went to visit one young lad who,d been in his bedroom for about 3 years people just lose confidence and cos of the brain symptoms can,t seek help. only a sufferer would understand,
my brain symptoms have improved but im still slow..
ive been ill before but have to say this has been by far the worst ever one man had to move away cos of lack of understanding lost his family his wife stood by him but he sadly ended his life..
he went to visit one young lad who,d been in his bedroom for about 3 years people just lose confidence and cos of the brain symptoms can,t seek help. only a sufferer would understand,
my brain symptoms have improved but im still slow..
ive been ill before but have to say this has been by far the worst ever one man had to move away cos of lack of understanding lost his family his wife stood by him but he sadly ended his life..
figured out why my heads banging switched to decaf yesterday.. its weird how i know whats coming later long before it happens ...lifes too short to worry about things that may or may not happen.enjoy it all while wer,e here i just potter on .. trying to get there..
done all my shopping didnt have to step outside..
lifes very spooky.
i think its 22nd today.
done all my shopping didnt have to step outside..
lifes very spooky.
i think its 22nd today.
lovely to see the sun out shining into the kitchen nets still slow.
.im thinking mebbe cos its friday,, week end comes round dead quick..
wondering if theres "owt" good on telly. over weekend.
.
thinking of spiritual matters while im pondering
im at the conclusion now and have been for 2 weeks that it doesnt matter what anyone says or does now,, i know in my heart what was true cos i felt it and feel it...thats the thing..
esp with "universal energy" cant deny it really.. so im immune to the bad stuff..
its why i can manage to do what i do i just say let it play out cos everybody hurts
.im thinking mebbe cos its friday,, week end comes round dead quick..
wondering if theres "owt" good on telly. over weekend.
.
thinking of spiritual matters while im pondering
im at the conclusion now and have been for 2 weeks that it doesnt matter what anyone says or does now,, i know in my heart what was true cos i felt it and feel it...thats the thing..
esp with "universal energy" cant deny it really.. so im immune to the bad stuff..
its why i can manage to do what i do i just say let it play out cos everybody hurts
shopping at tesco for a change cant get onto sainsburys. wondering why the nets so slow today, had a text from jill far away in her new house the ceilings are going up today shes glad to be at the shop. the winds picked up. roll on spring summer, nice weather. the garden,,the park .the great outdoors... hope its full of lions tigers n bears..... oh my..
tidying up blog, im here as if i had nothing to do, so i,m gonna have to move.
21st significant for everyone, its endings n beginnings i hate ultimatums cos theres no going back, live with consequences for eternity so.....
mine sez dont react , patience, i try to do that at all times now cos sometimes i think,
lord whats the rush...let me off the hook a bit...goodness sake..
.the universe is needed today more than ever esp if youve no idea whats going on behind the scenes.
ive had one argy bargy already..before 10am not looking good my heads banging too.
few weeks ago stars were .. dont make a stand unless your intention is to end it all.........
.cos thats the way it will go, youll get your wish..
thats one thing i never understood in my life
why would folk suddenly decide, the big rush,
pressure, ultimatums.. sets alarm bells off..
21st significant for everyone, its endings n beginnings i hate ultimatums cos theres no going back, live with consequences for eternity so.....
mine sez dont react , patience, i try to do that at all times now cos sometimes i think,
lord whats the rush...let me off the hook a bit...goodness sake..
.the universe is needed today more than ever esp if youve no idea whats going on behind the scenes.
ive had one argy bargy already..before 10am not looking good my heads banging too.
few weeks ago stars were .. dont make a stand unless your intention is to end it all.........
.cos thats the way it will go, youll get your wish..
thats one thing i never understood in my life
why would folk suddenly decide, the big rush,
pressure, ultimatums.. sets alarm bells off..
Thursday 21 February 2008
psychic stuff going on today 3.30 till ? when i got up basically, 6pm..
really should try watching some tv again, emmerdale ect.
its gotta be months and thats not natural im sure of it...must be the only one.
first thing i do mornings? make a cuppa, switch craft channel on,
then qvc kirks folly butler wilson yankee candles or the fashions,
thats the only time ive the tv on. gonna have a choc bisc. then rock it up a bit..
with,... feeling...... its very dark out.....prob cos its night.
really should try watching some tv again, emmerdale ect.
its gotta be months and thats not natural im sure of it...must be the only one.
first thing i do mornings? make a cuppa, switch craft channel on,
then qvc kirks folly butler wilson yankee candles or the fashions,
thats the only time ive the tv on. gonna have a choc bisc. then rock it up a bit..
with,... feeling...... its very dark out.....prob cos its night.
exercise?
if ever i see a jogger smiling then i,ll give it a go.. ive tried jogging down to croxdale and back i took so long mam was at the gate standing sentry...looking for me.. its the bank..i loved blackpool cos .... its very flat,, not like that round here its all up hill and down dale.
its the only thing i like about blackpool, not my scene. it was nice to see the tower lit up. only been once illuminations are nice. i can multi task im talking to mam on phone n blogging.
backpool? you nearly need to take a loan out, extortionate prices,
it grieves me to pay through the nose for anything, is it just me thats careful
and takes care of the pennies, ? if i won the lottery id be worse, im sure of it. I believe in quality, buying once to last then thats it..
I have principles that will prob make my life difficult but there you go....
insurance ? they love to take your money and talk to you at the start but hate to talk later about paying out. allegedly.
its the only thing i like about blackpool, not my scene. it was nice to see the tower lit up. only been once illuminations are nice. i can multi task im talking to mam on phone n blogging.
backpool? you nearly need to take a loan out, extortionate prices,
it grieves me to pay through the nose for anything, is it just me thats careful
and takes care of the pennies, ? if i won the lottery id be worse, im sure of it. I believe in quality, buying once to last then thats it..
I have principles that will prob make my life difficult but there you go....
insurance ? they love to take your money and talk to you at the start but hate to talk later about paying out. allegedly.
think its cos its summat we did when kids.. picnic "down the fields" as we would call it,
theres streams and ponds that freeze over in winter too, we would skate over them,
and a wood its called "bluebell wood"....lovely and peaceful inside .carpets of bluebells
no ones allowed to pick them, protected... i have some in my garden... !
can,t breathe again......i,m sure this is becoming the quickest way to insanity.
memories... that made me laugh which is very spooky so im behaving.
if not theyll be carting me off.......
theres streams and ponds that freeze over in winter too, we would skate over them,
and a wood its called "bluebell wood"....lovely and peaceful inside .carpets of bluebells
no ones allowed to pick them, protected... i have some in my garden... !
can,t breathe again......i,m sure this is becoming the quickest way to insanity.
memories... that made me laugh which is very spooky so im behaving.
if not theyll be carting me off.......
meditation.
without leaving his door
he knows everything under heaven
without looking out of his window,
he knows all the ways of heaven,
the further one travels the less one knows,
therefore the sage arrives without looking.
does nothing, achieves everything.
he knows everything under heaven
without looking out of his window,
he knows all the ways of heaven,
the further one travels the less one knows,
therefore the sage arrives without looking.
does nothing, achieves everything.
healing.!.........
speak to him, thou, for he hears,
and spirit with spirit can meet.....
closer is he than breathing,
and nearer than hands and feet.
absent healing.
the success sometimes may come immediately,
but we must be ready to wait patiently even for an infinite amount
of time.
the student who sets out with such a spirit of perseverence
will surely find success
and realization at last.
I use this method a lot, ive been sent absent healing in the past.
I imagine people i love, then i imagine them surrounded by light,
usually white sometmes blue.
these colors always seen when healing is taking place.
at the heart of any healing is .quite simply....love...
and spirit with spirit can meet.....
closer is he than breathing,
and nearer than hands and feet.
absent healing.
the success sometimes may come immediately,
but we must be ready to wait patiently even for an infinite amount
of time.
the student who sets out with such a spirit of perseverence
will surely find success
and realization at last.
I use this method a lot, ive been sent absent healing in the past.
I imagine people i love, then i imagine them surrounded by light,
usually white sometmes blue.
these colors always seen when healing is taking place.
at the heart of any healing is .quite simply....love...
dittys positivity
never say any man is hopeless, because he only represents a character , a bundle of habits, and these can be checked by new and better ones. ......vivekananda...
sons just arrived back from mams with a goody bag.. pork chicken ginger snaps bacon all sorts im so lucky. i also have whats called the stretching disease. i keep feeling the need to stretch they say you grow when you stretch so i should be 6 ft 3.....im gonna put myself up against the kitchen door and measure myself..
dont know how my life managed to turn out so spooky .. i didnt ask for any of it..
i still feel a big kinda drop heading my way.. but i just trust in god.
dont know how my life managed to turn out so spooky .. i didnt ask for any of it..
i still feel a big kinda drop heading my way.. but i just trust in god.
heavens.. don,t get me started on binge drinking i,ll have a bee in my bonnet im like a broken record.. if i was in the top job id change it all. starting with no happy hours.. i went to bed at 2.30am missed the eclipse.. it was dark anyway.
looked out today which i do every day all the time window girl the cathedral can be seen clearly if id binoculars id be able to see the flag. true.
looked out today which i do every day all the time window girl the cathedral can be seen clearly if id binoculars id be able to see the flag. true.
anastasia !
anastasia,s sick n tired was my theme tune a while ago she has another one i loved ?
cant find it. rock it up love a good stomper think i must have imagined the anast song..
22 i cant believe she,s only 22...cant be right..
found it, must have been 2 or 3 years ago my son would say thats you mam to a t
it was simply sick n tired.. ! anast. wears glasses so her eyes must be going... allegedly. that thought heartens me....
itchy snitch
cant find it. rock it up love a good stomper think i must have imagined the anast song..
22 i cant believe she,s only 22...cant be right..
found it, must have been 2 or 3 years ago my son would say thats you mam to a t
it was simply sick n tired.. ! anast. wears glasses so her eyes must be going... allegedly. that thought heartens me....
itchy snitch
/
somethings in life, the simple special things should come in a bottle.. ready to buy off the shelf... they,d be priceless. out of reach.
cos really, the best things, truly are free. !
i make up my own recipe, ive had to, its gonna put me in good steadfor the future,
then by the time the future comes ill already be wise to it..experienced in life.
having said all that id rather not know much more than i know now, its not me,
im best off unwise. cant explain it really, life i think can tarnish you,esp if you know too much
aye.. i dont want to be wise..or change... in any way, itd be false, and i cant put on an act.
itd be too difficult to keep up. its me take it or leave it.. im happy in my own company too,
see this is where i come unstuck,, im just not able to push in, its so difficult,
ill always feel on the outside. but its ok too. its all im used to.
cos really, the best things, truly are free. !
i make up my own recipe, ive had to, its gonna put me in good steadfor the future,
then by the time the future comes ill already be wise to it..experienced in life.
having said all that id rather not know much more than i know now, its not me,
im best off unwise. cant explain it really, life i think can tarnish you,esp if you know too much
aye.. i dont want to be wise..or change... in any way, itd be false, and i cant put on an act.
itd be too difficult to keep up. its me take it or leave it.. im happy in my own company too,
see this is where i come unstuck,, im just not able to push in, its so difficult,
ill always feel on the outside. but its ok too. its all im used to.
snakebite ? thinks its lager n cider...not good waking up with snakebite head, always a clear head best,
..alcohol numbs the senses .......
gaurdian angels exist.........................
tell the truth shame the devil .. its good for you...
sorting my music yesterday ...ive still got shalamar....i can make you feel good..
.kids from fame.. mr sherosphki. coco. starmaker...
shamed to say i loved them all....
..alcohol numbs the senses .......
gaurdian angels exist.........................
tell the truth shame the devil .. its good for you...
sorting my music yesterday ...ive still got shalamar....i can make you feel good..
.kids from fame.. mr sherosphki. coco. starmaker...
shamed to say i loved them all....
Im actually chuckling after reading back over my last night stuff after "cider" which i have to say was very nice i could even get a taste for it, years since i drank it, with guinness ,
black velvet? not sure, trying to think what a snakebite consists of..
anyway, this odd chuckling business now n again at inoportune moments, is starting to worry me too, big time, and everybody else in here, lord i just wanna have some fun.....................
which is actually the scariest thing of all cos i,m usually ? dont know the answer cos i dont know myself anymore, its a long time since ive been to me..................popped up from no where too..
lord take me away from it all.....open road.........
black velvet? not sure, trying to think what a snakebite consists of..
anyway, this odd chuckling business now n again at inoportune moments, is starting to worry me too, big time, and everybody else in here, lord i just wanna have some fun.....................
which is actually the scariest thing of all cos i,m usually ? dont know the answer cos i dont know myself anymore, its a long time since ive been to me..................popped up from no where too..
lord take me away from it all.....open road.........
woke 7.30am just stayed there till 845. raining, cold damp. gonna try to figure out my realplayer, i may be some time, .. may never get my head round technical things,
life included, but at least im honest. everything baffles me..
checked my stars and nearly went back to bed. new beginnings, endings,
all kinds,, very scary...dont like the unknown. but i just go where life leads me... reminds me of a song...just pop into my head at all times..
trust in what god thinks is best for me.........but if i dont get my own way i still dig my heels in and kick up a mighty fuss..
. had that sick feeling now and again since yesterday, in between all the spooky stuff, bamboozled,
kind you get before first day at school,, pre school nerves,
dipping toes in the water,... weird.. cos i can,t swim..
life included, but at least im honest. everything baffles me..
checked my stars and nearly went back to bed. new beginnings, endings,
all kinds,, very scary...dont like the unknown. but i just go where life leads me... reminds me of a song...just pop into my head at all times..
trust in what god thinks is best for me.........but if i dont get my own way i still dig my heels in and kick up a mighty fuss..
. had that sick feeling now and again since yesterday, in between all the spooky stuff, bamboozled,
kind you get before first day at school,, pre school nerves,
dipping toes in the water,... weird.. cos i can,t swim..
?
I stood eyes agog in all me best togs at the top of Durham cathedral,
as still as i could as if made of balsa wood,
when a whiff of jiggery pokery assails me nostrils.
He,d said "I,ll be seeing you on this goodly day at 3"
I sweetly replied" are you bringing a mate"?
"no, he replied wickedly today its just me and thee"
this is what happens after drink..........................ive started so i,ll finish..
Something was afoot he hadnt turned up
i was bewitched bothered and blooming bewildered,
and that wasnt the half of it,
still, i chanced another look i owed it to myself and especially
folk in the parish of Ebchester and nearby Witton gilbert.
im gonna hate myself in the morning, i dont think thats the correct saying.. respect myself ?
as still as i could as if made of balsa wood,
when a whiff of jiggery pokery assails me nostrils.
He,d said "I,ll be seeing you on this goodly day at 3"
I sweetly replied" are you bringing a mate"?
"no, he replied wickedly today its just me and thee"
this is what happens after drink..........................ive started so i,ll finish..
Something was afoot he hadnt turned up
i was bewitched bothered and blooming bewildered,
and that wasnt the half of it,
still, i chanced another look i owed it to myself and especially
folk in the parish of Ebchester and nearby Witton gilbert.
im gonna hate myself in the morning, i dont think thats the correct saying.. respect myself ?
I spied a bottle of dry cider from xmas down by the washer, upshot is, i can,t see the keyboard.
Ive checked it looks like a quarter of the bottles gone not good if not used to drink but i might sleep. had a cheese n pickle sarnie too, very bad combination.
Its pitch black out so don,t think i,ll be able to see eclipse and its too cold to stand out in the garden.
Ive checked it looks like a quarter of the bottles gone not good if not used to drink but i might sleep. had a cheese n pickle sarnie too, very bad combination.
Its pitch black out so don,t think i,ll be able to see eclipse and its too cold to stand out in the garden.
Wednesday 20 February 2008
wonder if anyones ever done a blog about a haunting.. ? cos im in the middle of one.
whatever it is, its the classic line "its behind you" well at the minute it is.
it blows in my ear.. now thats gotta be dead spooky..if this was a council house id be able to get the ghostbuster in..i,m not scared of it..
gran told me, its the living youve gotta be scared of, too right there.
ive never seen a ghost.. not standing in front of me but i do see eyes n faces when i shut my eyes .. not today, so maybe its off to sunny climes, but it was around? lunch. early morn, just before 6.pm.. spooky .
maybe ! folk arent who they claim to be....dabblers...hocus pocus. been here before..
experts at it.. a dab hand..
whatever it is, its the classic line "its behind you" well at the minute it is.
it blows in my ear.. now thats gotta be dead spooky..if this was a council house id be able to get the ghostbuster in..i,m not scared of it..
gran told me, its the living youve gotta be scared of, too right there.
ive never seen a ghost.. not standing in front of me but i do see eyes n faces when i shut my eyes .. not today, so maybe its off to sunny climes, but it was around? lunch. early morn, just before 6.pm.. spooky .
maybe ! folk arent who they claim to be....dabblers...hocus pocus. been here before..
experts at it.. a dab hand..
still tryin to think what life was like without the computer, i managed.
but .its been grand for shopping.. tesco asda sainsburys. everything i need for £5.5op. delivery im like a kid in a sweetshop,
ebay, book shops.. ive bought craft cds from ebay they arrive within 2 days ,next to nothing.
id been here 13 years without a computer and thought everything was just as it was but that wasnt up to much either..the worlds gone on without me.
i see things and its all a complete mystery..i cant even work out where me earphones go..
but .its been grand for shopping.. tesco asda sainsburys. everything i need for £5.5op. delivery im like a kid in a sweetshop,
ebay, book shops.. ive bought craft cds from ebay they arrive within 2 days ,next to nothing.
id been here 13 years without a computer and thought everything was just as it was but that wasnt up to much either..the worlds gone on without me.
i see things and its all a complete mystery..i cant even work out where me earphones go..
?
when im out im gonna have to try and make some friends but you know i never did cos circumstances didnt allow, and i was scared cos people round here do different things to me im not a drinker really and everythings centred around pubs, i did like them when young but i just find them boring...friends are a responsibilty they need attention maybe one day id not be up to it.. i just prefer my own self, quiet.. no sunset tonight too cold and foggy again..
!
basically i wish somebody would come along with a magic wand cos if not.. i dont know whats gonna become of me..nothing short of a miracle will help.. ive known that for ages.. since last autumn..i coudnt do as much as before, i would work late on now its just bits.
.i,ll get my thinking cap on.. ive done it before, this isnt a first for me.
i cry every day.. in the kitchen everyone unawares which is just as well..it would be..
panic stations....... ive just gotta try different things....boring stuff......
and theres absolutely no way round it....
i dreamed the words a while ago "coming to the same conclusions".....
yesterday words "nearing the truth"...
.i,ll get my thinking cap on.. ive done it before, this isnt a first for me.
i cry every day.. in the kitchen everyone unawares which is just as well..it would be..
panic stations....... ive just gotta try different things....boring stuff......
and theres absolutely no way round it....
i dreamed the words a while ago "coming to the same conclusions".....
yesterday words "nearing the truth"...
irritable..
I,m feeling so irritable it hurts, everywhere.
can,t even put up with my music or the voices in here.
Im gonna try a sandwich n cuppa. then go online ebay mebbe,
try to transfer my music onto disc.
theres folk much worse off than me at least i don,t have to cook.
was up well after 2am catch up on jobs around the house, bit of dusting, washing up,
sorting my stuff out, papers, craft scraps that i leave all over esp after 9pm.
the floors littered.. i just cut n snip where ever which isnt good housewifery practice,
but then i never made the grade really.
my mams to blame she freely admits to it,
i wasnt allowed to do anything around the house,
i don,t know where to start with cleaning, are you supposed to have a rota? windows one day floors the next ? i just do it willy nilly if i do any at all.
my clothes were there washed n ironed ready just to put on,
i came in from work meal on the table, got changed straight back out.
i was never in the house. spoilt..
I always wanted to do summat else, more fun,interesting.
woke at 4.30am thats happening a lot now.
then 8am just stayed there till after 9.. im gonna have to get a grip soon.
my offspring i have to say is driving me up the wall, i dont think he likes me on the computer,, it seems as if he,s just not happy about it., he had oven chips for supper they werent to his liking i was preoccupied and, should have been paying attention, so he pulled a face, one of those how very dare you feed me those, ...faces...
we won,t let him use the gas cooker incase he comes in one night from clubbing and sets fire to the house,
im actually laughing at that which considering how i feel is worrying in itself..carting me off springs to mind.. i made the same remark the other night then when realised had to delete a whole line, sad when you cant just say things youve always said without worrying,
,esp making jokes about house fires.
upshot is, if id took proper action ages ago and just kept plugging away at folk and myself then id not be in the mess im in now, its gonna take work and discipline i hate that word.
help i need somebody help.. as the line goes..
doesnt make much difference really... either way..back where i started.. ive burnt all bridges or is that boats....the doc..
asked ages ago when i phoned for antibiotics if i could be booked in to the new clinic,
he said yes, ive gotta have more blood tests, i just didnt get back in touch,
i think when you cut yourself off, everything that others take for granted becomes a mountain to climb.
Its always temorra with me, termorra, i love ya termorra its only a day away..
see thats another song that popped up. ill be talking in song soon.
can,t even put up with my music or the voices in here.
Im gonna try a sandwich n cuppa. then go online ebay mebbe,
try to transfer my music onto disc.
theres folk much worse off than me at least i don,t have to cook.
was up well after 2am catch up on jobs around the house, bit of dusting, washing up,
sorting my stuff out, papers, craft scraps that i leave all over esp after 9pm.
the floors littered.. i just cut n snip where ever which isnt good housewifery practice,
but then i never made the grade really.
my mams to blame she freely admits to it,
i wasnt allowed to do anything around the house,
i don,t know where to start with cleaning, are you supposed to have a rota? windows one day floors the next ? i just do it willy nilly if i do any at all.
my clothes were there washed n ironed ready just to put on,
i came in from work meal on the table, got changed straight back out.
i was never in the house. spoilt..
I always wanted to do summat else, more fun,interesting.
woke at 4.30am thats happening a lot now.
then 8am just stayed there till after 9.. im gonna have to get a grip soon.
my offspring i have to say is driving me up the wall, i dont think he likes me on the computer,, it seems as if he,s just not happy about it., he had oven chips for supper they werent to his liking i was preoccupied and, should have been paying attention, so he pulled a face, one of those how very dare you feed me those, ...faces...
we won,t let him use the gas cooker incase he comes in one night from clubbing and sets fire to the house,
im actually laughing at that which considering how i feel is worrying in itself..carting me off springs to mind.. i made the same remark the other night then when realised had to delete a whole line, sad when you cant just say things youve always said without worrying,
,esp making jokes about house fires.
upshot is, if id took proper action ages ago and just kept plugging away at folk and myself then id not be in the mess im in now, its gonna take work and discipline i hate that word.
help i need somebody help.. as the line goes..
doesnt make much difference really... either way..back where i started.. ive burnt all bridges or is that boats....the doc..
asked ages ago when i phoned for antibiotics if i could be booked in to the new clinic,
he said yes, ive gotta have more blood tests, i just didnt get back in touch,
i think when you cut yourself off, everything that others take for granted becomes a mountain to climb.
Its always temorra with me, termorra, i love ya termorra its only a day away..
see thats another song that popped up. ill be talking in song soon.
crafty thoughts..
my new craft cd,s called occasions, pics for birthdays xmas weddings ect. lovely images.
and verses too.
Its been freezing here today in fact the tarmac beside our gate has lifted the temps been so low.
and verses too.
Its been freezing here today in fact the tarmac beside our gate has lifted the temps been so low.
new perspective
I listened today about blogs n it gave me new perspective . online diarys are about yourself, this is the reason i started this blog simply as a journal me trying to heal myself,
but it takes a while to settle in so i thought new start, fresh, positive, thinking,hopefully i can keep it up i,ll give it my best shot.
the kitchens quiet. peace.
but it takes a while to settle in so i thought new start, fresh, positive, thinking,hopefully i can keep it up i,ll give it my best shot.
the kitchens quiet. peace.
new start.
Its a new start,... with the blog esp. the blog is about me and how i cope with illness.
thats it full stop. starting with just day to day snippets.
boring but thats only right and proper.
I went upstairs at 2 pm for a rest, ive a sanctuary for myself its the "little room" spare room basically, everything i need tv ect, books, video, single bed, this is the bed i slept in at home, lovely oak headboard, spring base must be really old but so comfy and made to last,
its so comfortable in fact mam said "you must have it " .
I remember sleeping in it at home in the "little room" too so my patterns have repeated themselves, i would stick my bubbly on the back of the headboard before sleep which is very disgusting really, I laid for an hour, watched a bit tv.. im usually there from
about 2 till 5 ,
i just pop downstairs for short bursts so really after lunch when energys most low i lie or sit about. i dont have much contact with anyone in the house,
its the quietest room in the house lovely.
I do try to do more but some days i just can,t.
thats it full stop. starting with just day to day snippets.
boring but thats only right and proper.
I went upstairs at 2 pm for a rest, ive a sanctuary for myself its the "little room" spare room basically, everything i need tv ect, books, video, single bed, this is the bed i slept in at home, lovely oak headboard, spring base must be really old but so comfy and made to last,
its so comfortable in fact mam said "you must have it " .
I remember sleeping in it at home in the "little room" too so my patterns have repeated themselves, i would stick my bubbly on the back of the headboard before sleep which is very disgusting really, I laid for an hour, watched a bit tv.. im usually there from
about 2 till 5 ,
i just pop downstairs for short bursts so really after lunch when energys most low i lie or sit about. i dont have much contact with anyone in the house,
its the quietest room in the house lovely.
I do try to do more but some days i just can,t.
shameful secrets.........?
I dropped outta piano lessons, i had lessons at home from age 5 then when 11 i went to the teachers house, as soon as i hit 13 i just pretended to go but went to the youth club instead..
i spent the money.. dad was none the wiser.. shameful...
anyway you soon become tired of "In a monestry garden". and the like..
waiting of the postie, expecting a delivery.. my new craft stuff.
dare to be different............im changing......the world waits for no one... least of all me.
i,m so fed up and these things do things to your brainbox..
so i,m gonna treat myself, new oufit.
it,ll be tracksuit n trainers its what im most comfy in....you can walk miles in trainers..
as anyone can see i,m angry so ive gotta channel it somewhere,, so its gonna have to be into the future........im cosmic ordering............
i spent the money.. dad was none the wiser.. shameful...
anyway you soon become tired of "In a monestry garden". and the like..
waiting of the postie, expecting a delivery.. my new craft stuff.
dare to be different............im changing......the world waits for no one... least of all me.
i,m so fed up and these things do things to your brainbox..
so i,m gonna treat myself, new oufit.
it,ll be tracksuit n trainers its what im most comfy in....you can walk miles in trainers..
as anyone can see i,m angry so ive gotta channel it somewhere,, so its gonna have to be into the future........im cosmic ordering............
the classics...timeless...!.....
someones just mentioned william wallace on t.s...
I loved Brave heart, but so so very sad when he was being executed and his love walked in the crowd watching and smiling at him, letting him know he wasnt alone in his final moments, she gave up her life for him...then. she waited,..thats pure love for you.. !
classic films..these......
some people dont know how lucky they have been to have had some one love them unselfishly,
then wait..
William Wallace was one of them...... Braveheart...! very apt. name..
thats all the words can be said really,.............................. signing out..
I loved Brave heart, but so so very sad when he was being executed and his love walked in the crowd watching and smiling at him, letting him know he wasnt alone in his final moments, she gave up her life for him...then. she waited,..thats pure love for you.. !
classic films..these......
some people dont know how lucky they have been to have had some one love them unselfishly,
then wait..
William Wallace was one of them...... Braveheart...! very apt. name..
thats all the words can be said really,.............................. signing out..
young at heart...!!
innocence...encourage it... watch it grow..
.. .
.. .psychic surges, i blog, its there, other times too,
its the only thing i trust. something that feels so good cant be bad....
bit like being hooked up to the "universal energy" system...
if it dwindles..?........ at least i know i had it for a short while...
if it dwindles..?........ at least i know i had it for a short while...
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