sound of musics on tomorrow i for one will be glued to it..
resting up this afternoon a song i played on the piano sprang to mind..
must have been about 9, long long time ago..dance for us sing for us gretchen and hans..clip clip go the wooden sleigh boots and on goes the dance oh we could stay here and watch you till the day is ended my dear little gretchen and funny little hans..

sound of music was on in the summer time i remember we each had one of the new Raleigh shopper bikes from currys saddler street i loved mine but not the colour.. green with tartan basket on the back,
my cousin had the best .. hers was red..

we rode all over, freedom..
down to Croxdale, as we neared the top of the bank we stopped looked down at the view.. stunning.. all the trees were out in full leaf.. sun splitting the trees..Burn hall looked beautiful i thought id love to be a nun like Julie Andrews and live in there.
it would have got me away from school.....hated needlework.. my embroidery was never right for the teacher....
...gave me the shingles she did....doctor said "are you worrying about anything"? i said "yes.. needlework"....he didnt have a magic wand either..

when i was young i never thought that anyone could make anything better..
i just thought this is the way it is..life.. i had to find ways of solving my own problems.. mam worked..when she came in she was busy.. i just rattled around myself but i was happy.. at least what i thought happy was..
reminds me of the famous saying .. "whatever love is"

anyway..then in winter the scenery changed.. cold dark bleak i changed my mind..thought its big..might be dusty.. sure to be cold... and id just get chillblains...
mam was so pleased cos id yarped on about it for months...

the magnificent obsession..

Ive always had a great love of music.. from being a child, its more an obsession really..
we had a piano at home i started playing by ear age 2.. so it started there really....
who ever invented music should be given a sainthood in my opinion..

then dad arranged lessons, it was the most wonderful thing to be able to pick up a sheet of paper full of what looked at first like dots.. musical notes, then to be able to turn the dots into music .. notes that went together forming a song..

after that i couldn't walk into a room without looking around for a piano..back in those days a lot of people still had pianos in the living room..


dad bought me sound of music sheet music and to be able to play edelweiss, all my faves was the best thing ever. love that film.
the soundtrack has got to be the best ive ever heard.. rogers and hammerstien deserved the oscar, i don,t even know if they got one but it was well deserved if so..

palladium put on the film and they had girls dressed in traditional austrian costume giving out programmes.., me and my cousin wanted to be too but were too young.. think girls had to be above 13. they didnt look very old..remember they looked lovely in white blouses, dresses. pigtails.
i actually liked christopher plummer...good singer he is too..surprised me..julie andrews.. she was just brilliant.. came across some old music books today..

but being the person i am now some times i can,t listen..no one would understand unless they were me..i hear a story now.. i can,t listen to music for the love of it anymore..some songs actually make me feel ill...
a sensitive...? whatever, this is me now..

slept quite a lot today..tired..forgot my tablets yesterday which probably didn,t help..
its been nice and sunny then cloudy....change-able as they say..
.chronic fatigue can make you feel low....but if you understand this then its half the battle..
and it quickly goes....comes and goes,.. but the low days become less frequent..
....i potter....look out at the weather...there,s not the energy for much else..so the cardmaking.. hobbies.... it just brightens up the day..

gonna check out jon cainer.then sit out.

the computers not been working well for a few weeks now and to top it all i put in a cd without due care and attention it went off with an almighty bang..
so it needs to be sorted....thought, i must have had it a year now....i might not be covered.. i went back just now to my first emails to check the date.. 17th may. a thursday.
so nearly exactly a year.. its flown....time does fly..

been thinking i did have it quite a while before that but couldnt figure out how to work email..couldnt work any of it really.
i looked at it and took the horrors...
and still ive been no where...the possibilities are endless.. so im told,..
ive shopped.. emailed....downloaded some music, not much, thats about it..
i was a galaxy spotter too.. forgot about that ..

popping into the garden suns lovely...blosssoms dead on the pear and plum but the apple blossom is beautiful to look at...no wonder the bees like it..

beautiful day.. doors open windows too, fresh smell of cut grass, everythings growing.....new buds and shoots....not much traffic about..quiet..
everythings growing except me.. because..?

well i,m stuck with.. chronic fatigue....looked in the mirror and gave myself a good talking to..i took no notice.. this is the thing this is why im still here..
head in the sand..
one day i will wake up and think life is really good.... i wish it was here now..

slept badly..forgot my antibiotic 4am thought i just can,t be chewed to tip toe down and back up again.. so lay there.. hot sneezing.. coughing..complaining.. to no-one....the birds dawn chorus assailed my ears..
i will feel differently once i have my energy back .. i know this and i promised myself i wouldnt complain...so this will be the last...
as i put my blinkers back on..

think if i,d been the type of person who could willingly accept not being able to do what i wish which is to climb mountains and not be restricted.. i,d have took to this like a duck to water.. but i have no patience....

still downsizing, decluttering.. cant take any of it with you .. thats my philosophy...i would look at a field and see .. the lovely color of the grass..or whatever was growing..daisies, dandylions, the wild flowers.. butterflies.. i wouldnt see the flies.. mice.. ants...
.
the nasty stuff passes me by there will always be good stuff if you just open your eyes and not be too blind to see...

there,s a nice teapot on ebay but i can,t buy anymore.. too many to dust .. there,s just something about teapots...ive a box full of miniatures too

below ... the book store..called the bally kettle..

meg ... the collie..cross..

tara... the sprocker..

signing out nearly asleep..

Ive just read the spots off the advertiser.. a collie has gone missing from durham.. with "odd eyes"..
sad...
very cold last night.. rained here i had the window open the air coming in felt.. like a frosty winter night..
i know collies have thick coats ...but still....not good.... poor thing..

an afterthought... when ill or had some life changing happening you re assess.. everything changes....now my outlook on life is.... if you have your health you really can achieve anything you set you mind to.....

turning in.. throats sore been sneezing... wish i could take low dose antibiotics forever ... its the only way forward....i had pain when coughing .. lung pain front and back after one double strength it was nearly gone..

not usually up at this time..been asleep hours.. bright and wide awake.. shredded wheat makes a good snack.. bit like eating straw but never the less. nice.

thoughts on chronic fatigue..updated..

thinking before sleep last night... ive always preferred being by myself.. no ties..
and i wondered... why? ....ive people around me yet im untethered......
i can,t have anyone else relying on me for happiness, it would be on my shoulders then i,d worry,... its too heavy a load because i,m not reliable.. i,m not well in a nutshell..... think its been for the best,
because i thought how will they manage without me about,
now they would find it easier...gradual withdrawal...
so this is the way life is....

.doesnt do to live in each others pockets or become dependant on anyone in life..and my whole outlook on life is... best to be able to please yourself..
i had enough of rules at school..


in the early years it was different you do whats expected of you...i tried to carry on with all the things id previously done, ran the home like clockwork..if i couldnt i felt guilty.. i knew it was,nt doing me any good...
but it was too big a change to, suddenly, change everything, which was what was needed....m.e. is a long term illness.. you must change your whole life style and very existence.. if not its taken out of your hands..

for anyone trying to do this i wish them luck cos its the hardest thing in the world....your brain hurts..you can,t think.. locked in syndrome..i walked and still do some days on tip toes..
people dont understand and so you have all that to deal with too..prejudice...

I think one day m.e. will go down as one of the most distressing illnesses..ever..
cos given a choice of one of the big ones.. and im no way playing them down not at all..they are truly awful,
but i know which one id have chosen cos then at least id have had the confidence and courage to get out and have it sorted at the earliest stage..
before it got too far..giving myself a fighting chance.

id have took my chances cos this is and ive said it before a slow living death....lonely too.. no matter how much you like your own company..
i had to say bye to all my relatives...in my head...a long time ago...as i knew things would never be the same again....so ive spent time grieving,
looking at peoples faces as they watch you, esp my son..its something you wouldnt normally see cos you,d be... well dead obviously..

. my dad would say "how are you"? id say.. champion.. i didnt want him to worry and anyway illness we dont talk about.. it embarrases me...to me its a weakness....only some one in my shoes would know what i mean by that.. ive lost years.. years that i could be having fun...making some thing of me..
although i was always happiest just flitting about...no set programme..

so now i have to do what makes me happy and gets me well in the quickest possible time..... nearly everythings had to go out of the window..a long time ago..
otherwise there is no future for me... this is the long and short of it....

i,m not as real as other people in the world....half in half out..and im really tired....
i have flashes of happiness now and again.... since i started the antibiotics... then now, when im writing this, i,m sad and in tears and i really want some kind of shift.. change for the better....

i heard on the news ages ago about a man who,d had to up stiks and move to yorkshire cos of lack of understanding....he ended up asking his wife to help him to die.. which proves that in most cases you feel the need to cut yourself off..
to survive.. he sadly....obviously, didnt want to live.
i,m the opposite.... i fight and will never give up to try to save my life..and salvage whats left of it.. i think life is very precious.....

i really want to think ahead to months down the line....a time when i,m feeling better..renewed.... need to write myself a plan.. what i,ll do this week, next,.. in order to get better quicker... yet ive no discipline.. i just want it to appear in front of me...or better still some one else to do it all for me.. turn up with a magic formula or a magic wand...
i may have some special abilities but sadly i still cant manage to heal myself.... maybe i,m not meant to be....seems like what i have, whatever it is.... goes out.. away from me....will i have to live with it for ever? time will tell.
i understand none of it..

this is the pattern ive been following for 15 years... truth.. in the beginning i new i had a mammoth task in front of me by the way i felt if i exerted myself in the slightest...

i would get up on a morning bend my head for a few seconds and that would be enough to put me in bed for the day...this trundled on into weeks months then with everyday life pressures of trying to run a home well it just got worse...into a year and so on...
i am better than back in the old days.... esp. the brain symptoms....i can think more without it hurting...thing is ive stayed the same in my head ... age....i have less sense than my son....but i don,t want to change..
.
my problem is im the eternal optimist...
i think tomorrow, next week, i,ll be well again.. this is how ive thought every day... i still do... and its wrong... but we arent born with second sight... having said that i may have to change my mind and disagree with... who..? myself...

but truly if id had a crystal ball.. and knew how long it would be then id have crawled to.. where? there is no where, with m.e there is no cure..no magic pill.. no operation..this is why its so difficult and why id prefer to just vanish off the face of the earth..
cos i know that the only thing that makes it any better is...rest... quiet.....by myself..... pottering like i used to.. ive tried everything..

been decluttering.. old gone out.. made some space for new..thinking things are going to have to be let go of some time, or find new places for them..still raining.. birds whistling..apart from that .. quiet..apart from a slight hissing in my,.. not good ear...

raining here... washing out .. must get it in...
some times i wonder...about life ...

just recieved a holiday postcard..... reports of lovely times being had .. im glad..
the outside world and everything in it is to be cherished and enjoyed....open spaces...sun on your face..wind in your hair.... don,t ever be a prisoner wether its of circumstance or health.. lifes too short.. there are ways round whatever life throws at you.. ive proved that by being brave enough to venture out..

think if anyone wishes to have conflict with you, for whatever reason, its very sad, and if you dont want to play any part then you should just respond with "good"..
all the time.. .. keep everyones good name bright and shiny..thats my priority..
some of us don,t know any other way to be....i,m glad im one of them....

did dream after all, antibiotics must have stopped working so im easing up on everything.....2 things going on.. complete contradictions of each other so 1 or both have to stop..

It,ll be tv tonight.. early night again.... quiet....heaven.....quiet is really good for the soul....think the best sounds are... wind... just on its own or rustling through leaves...rain on the window..wind chimes.....sound of silence....soothing...

just passing some time waiting for the pie to cook.
tues.. 13th... updating thurs. 15th..

my mothers a pole dancer.....

I,m going to be a pole dancer even the thought sets my teeth on edge..
followed quickly by galloping horror like theres no termorra,
and i,m gripped around the neck just below the sneck..
by the cold icy fingers of dread.


It was at the Christmas bring and buy the chapel stood ...aglow...
dressed up in all its sparkly finery..very festively..
festooned with paper streamers, fresh frosted holly..
red and green tinsel..
cards on the vestry mantel.... topped off with ginormous,..
voluminous.. cream velvet bows..

Mrs B, from number 9, tried to explain it all.. her of pursed lips
twin set and pearls,
i stood ram rod straight behind the white elephant, nothing seemed relevant..
as all the horror unfurled..

My fondant fancies... french meringue and strawberry jam..were the talk of the place
i couldnt lose face as the vicar munched ham.. or it could have been spam.. through violently white bright teeth
polished to a shine..they stood like ebony piana keys..
all in a perfectly straight line.

Such a pleasant upstanding fella, decent, good hearted, kind...
what will he think of me at sunday worship.. the mind boggles..
as i twiddle my duffle coat toggles...mother nudges me... "behave"..
i pray on hands and knees he won,t mind..

Mrs B, waved me over lips a slit..above the tombola.. head bobbing..
a shock of neon pink curls..but i had a terrible vision in bingo intermission..
of mrs b. hollering "LEGS ELEVEN"..lads and lasses... in nothing but a grin..
whiskers covering wrinkly chin...and believe it or not.... it gets worse..

I,m well past fabulous forty, though not yet peppered with silver and grey..
with a waist tightly pinched to just under 24 inch..
but have to say...i,ll never again see 42...frivolous times when i went astray..
but i threw off the blues... and at the end of a fine sunny day..

took the high road to London to see if streets were truly paved with gold..
spent me savings on white wine spritzers...rainbow sherburt...sugar dummies.. which i have to say were scrumptious...
briggs best pasties... topped off with barrads plum dumplings..
then had to spend nights under the stars neath Tower bridge arches...
among the drop outs singing for me supper.. which wasnt very proper...
out in the cold..

Had words with me mother..who preached of morality..
a woman alone could attract all kindsa things....like.. ?? calamity..
i said "aww mam shurrup..i,m over 18...
there,s things i have,nt seen.... id like to re-live my youth..
she stuttered .."lords truth...act your age....be sensible...
you,ve a mortgage....miss a payment....you,ll be back with me and your da again.. .. and that would be.......well...?... plain horrible...

"mam you know you love me best when i,m irripressable.."
"lass... behaviour like thats reprehensible"...
you,ll be eating us out of house and home... we,ll be reduced to eating cold porridge..

and i really could,nt stand it..you trailing in at all hours....climbing in the bedroom window from the roof of the garage.. on your princess tippy toes..
drunk as a skunk... disorderly".....i just turned up me nose ..stomped off in the huff.....
muttering to myself... and the yorkie.. our little dinky.....frostily.......
"bah humbug"...while blowing a big bubble from penny tray bubbly too big for me gob.

mams parting words..."you,ll regret it, mark my words ... young lady... have you thought about your job?"....

I smiled...cheekily...that felt soooo good... to be classed as young...
and not yet an old biddy... i utterly refuse to be old and twisty..
grumpy,s not for me, i,ll leave that to the oldies.. forever sweet sixteen in my head..... that,ll do for me....

I looked in the mirror.. glad i had no wrinkles...but me mam brought me down to earth..."they,ll not be looking at your face...
and watch out for lecherous hecklers and me and your da think you,ve made a big bungle ,
which did,nt fill me with confidence...in fact the opposite i nearly had the hystericals..... so i left early for chapel.....willing to mingle after all i was now ... newly single...






anyway...back at the Chapel...i remember a muffled mention of charity.. funds.. a roof...but i stood with
cloth ears tipsily repeating.."merry xmas... dankershun.....auf weidersen pet...cheers".
as i stood aloof.....sipping mulled wine on the hoof..
that made me feel fine..and to be perfectly frank
without any glasses the world looked all fuzzy....so i just signed on the dotted line .."oopss here comes my first
customer.....for egg and cress on crusty bloomer...time to get busy"...

By the way ive no wish to do owt illegal, i have,nt the energy for anything naughty, its ower much faff on, ower much clart..and certainly ower
much upheaval.

How will i fare in my job as a magistrate..?. i know my talents are "multi"
but yesterday i couldnt quite concentrate.. as i let the prisoner go free while finding the jury very very guilty..

I lock the doors close the curtains... of course...start warming up
with a wiggle here and there...i jiggle all around the kitchen
then jump down from the 2nd stair...i,m shattered and to top it all my stomachs no flatter, and i feel no fitter.. but i refuse to be bitter..

So i,ll just sit here prostrate on the setty the kids have departed to a willing aunty Betty..
i waved them off through teary lids...then raided the biscuit tin
while emptying the fridge..
i,m scoffing jammie dodgers....feet ensconsed on the pouffe..
i,m demented with worry...

How will i look in a skimpy top? our abigail looked shocked.
."like a portly hippopotamus mam"..our william sniggered as my confidence dropped...
"and dont dare wear that mini skirt..me da will think youve turned into a flirt..
preposterous.. will be the word"...

"abigail hinny... what i do now is no business of your da,s,
he made that quite clear when he left us for that...floozy.....over the hill barmaid..newly installed at the "lamb to the slaughter".......
a proper raspberry tart"...

I jump about the bedroom like the very fit fat acrobat..
allegedly i whisper gaurdidly for fear of libel.. folks get a bee in their bonnets very quickly these days over nowt and will sue for owt..
its not worth all the trouble...so i button my lip..as i take a trip..
to the local chippy but not without my lippy...thats as much exercise as i need.. our william raised his eyebrows..
"eehh me mothers dippy"...

I left with our abigails words ringing in my peachy ears...."mind how you go mam... its been snowing... its dead slippy"...
.

A very dark Winter soon turned into a bright and breezy Spring and i set off on the day in question.. i knew i looked a mess.. head full of stress, what would the day bring.?

i wasnt cut out for a short leapord print dress, what a morbid mess..

judging by the frosty stares that greeted me at the gate..i knew i looked a state....
in spiky heels i ran for the bus..leaving the kids and me mother white faced... making a fuss..

as i waved bye bye to my cordial credibilty as a pillar of virtue and respectability in our local community..... i felt like jumping off.....but as we raced through Langley moor..the conductor swung on the bell..next stop Stone Bridge .. ding dong...

i started with a nervous coff.....

so we trundled into Durham... heeby jeebys taking hold...i didnt have much on i wasnt warm.. in fact i was nithered......by the way to you me thats cold...i dothered and dithered..

I thought they,d have been discreet but Durham had the flags out..
streamers were strung all the way up North road as far as the Electric board couples kissing and courting...some lasses stood up.. crying...
lads by the co op too much lager... fighting...
bonny fairy lights lit up Millburngate roundabout....it all looked very inviting.

Up above the Railway station.. helicopters circled.....eeehhh i thought there was nee need to call the army out.. ...could feel my chest tightening...

It was frightening.... and at one time i wouldnt have dared...

Looking over Framwellgate bridge..the River Wear... dark... murky...

i stood stock still... stared..straight ahead...

lightening flashes illuminated the gloomy durham sky..

I spied the Lambton worm up by Prebends bridge.... tail in the air.. lurking...
in all his slimey finery.... oh my...

I was sure like me he,d aquired the hump....till i polished my glasses the worm disappeared.. quickly replaced by an old tree stump...
just then the weather brightened up..

but still..i wanted to sit by the river ... watch the grass grow..nice and quiet..
but knew in my head i had to do this....if not next time at chapel there,d be a .... well basically .... a riot..

Tables were out on Silver streets cobbles...shaded by fancy parasols...

in the blustery spring breeze... they wobbled.....in fancy heels my feet were on fire.. but words ringing in my ears....don,t give up....god loves a tryer..

The Cathedral stood in the hot bright sun.. tall and proud..looking down on the majestic celebrations..up in the market..the salvation army played by marks-es an uplifting song had to be sung...
market traders bartered their wares giving lusty looks to busty ladees..free,.. with every turnip and tatie.....

The Mayor was on show bedecked in all his velvet finery.. he gave a regal bow as he blew the whistle to start the show on the elegantly dressed Town hall balcony.

I nearly turned tail and sneaked into the nearest Winery..perched myself on a high stool.... settled in for happy hour.. 3 drinks for a fiver..or better still got the bus home to hide under the duvvy... much safer..

a small dark cloud sat above.....threatening a shower....but everything seemed to brighten up.....as in my tracks i was stopped....cos

there it was by the "Big green horse"...painted red and white..with psychedelic bunting,.. of course...........i thought i,d sold my god fearing soul..

till i saw mrs b. and the lasses smiling...as they sat beneath Durhams beautiful Maypole.

felt so happy i was flying.........

turning in..doggo.. with a cuppa n 2 pieces of lemon iced madeira.. lovely but at £1.20p for a piece no bigger than a postage stamp...i,ll pass on it next time.. daylight robbery..make that 3 pieces mights well push the boat out .. really live it up..better than wine i should think, if i have to have an addiction far better be cake as alcohol..

computer acting up .. bit like me really... too tired to go out tonight...
started to watch bbc 4. interesting. medieval.

mam gave me the ringtons coffee set won by her mother on a raffle ticket sold by Brandon pit..ive never used it neither did she..we shove things away and never get the benefit from them...

tara..terror..she,d bite me soon as look at me.. we don,t get on..it does,nt bother me.. megs my dog..

seaside puppet show...

potty about teapots...dotted about in no particular order covering

every available surface.. windowsills.. tables.. upstairs.. downstairs..have help to dust them all.. not.. they just don,t get done.. flick with the feather duster now and again....adds to the mystique..

waiting of meg finishing her supper before we go out its cooler now.. and 3 things being aries bother me in life cruelty.. justice .. fairness..

ive just looked on teletext a field full of pregnant ewes have been stolen from a field near me..how can anyone do such a terrible cruel thing and manage to sleep at night with a clear consience ..i don,t honestly know.. and yet... we eat animals....
some do, i don,t, not anymore, nothing with a face passes my lips....
then the dog left in a bedroom to starve, 3 weeks it suffered.....
thats it really....... shame on folk....off out..breathe in fresh air..

this is a true tale and im not ashamed to admit it.. when my friend lived down the street.. i could not believe the perfectly good furniture she threw out for the bin men to pick up just to make way for new..

one day i went past with chubbles and noticed she,d put a pile of beautiful carpet tiles by the bin..
i knocked and said would she mind if i had them for my kitchen.. " of course not" she replied smiling..

...it was november dark nights just before i was stuck in the house again....
i pulled on my sons black woolly hat one of those designer affairs tucked my hair inside..pulled on black mitts scarf.. set off down the street..
i could see her pottering in the kitchen i looked in the window she didnt see me which was good as i was laughing..and she,d have got a fright..

i thought i look just like a cat burgler.. i knocked.. she came out to see me carting away a pile of tiles.. they fitted perfectly well..they cost her a lot.. and were brand new she just didnt care for the color...
such a waste of good money..

sitting in the garden.. i,m burning but sun is good for the bones.. vit .d. cant find the sunscreen....i.ll cut papers outside, keep the place tidy..less work the better.

.I had a bike .. basket on the front i loved it gave it away last year gathering dust, i,d like another so i can freewheel down to croxdale..not yet for a good while.. to the river dip my toes.. lots of trout down there..remember catching tiddlers with a net years ago..not allowed now of course.. which is best.. fish stocks are dwindling..

as i was coming in the drive my brother pulled up back from holiday... with my new table.. his perfectly good old table and chairs, dining suite..will now be my perfectly good new table and chairs... its never been used and was going to the charity shop.. charity begins at home,.


I read yesterday about a major star .. he,d rather pay think it was £9.99p for 4 ties than lash out lots of dosh for a designer effort.. i,m like that... its a matter of principle with me.. i could make a career out of hunting down bargains..
just to prove a point.. you can,t take any of it with you..

having said all that i nearly left home after dinner cos no one wanted to help...
i sat looking out of the window thinking....keep going.....and i do....

friday is our butcher day, he,s just been so its ham n pease pudding sandwiches, a fave.
he always drops off 2 chocolate wafer biscuits too, he,s a really nice, kind man.
Ive had more energy as the day has gone on.

I,ll try getting out too... at the end of the day a lot of my time was taken up elsewhere....everything in moderation is the key.... the housework wasnt getting done, i wasnt moving forward.... i fiffed and faffed too much....buried my head in the sand.... at the expense of the real world..
the worlds a lovely place...... outdoors.... countryside..fields....fresh air.... peace and quiet.. but i,ll be keeping myself to myself..i,ll never change..i like my own company..

thought came to me last night.. i,d been in the bath got water in my ears.. not a big deal for some.. for me it magnifies my probs..
given the choice would i be deaf or blind.... ?

i,m deaf in one ear.. i thought it didnt bother me.. it does..big time.. more than i realised..
the sound of my own voice is, to me, muffled,.

as a child id go to bed in my hat the flaps covering my ears.. i had a nervous cough, every so often id have to cough just to test if my hearing was back to normal.. dad would be watching tv with me and i,d drive him bonkers.. he would say .. gillian for goodness sake ...

just dont like hearing it, my voice......if i,m listening to anyone which is rare..
cos its tiring for me..i have to be looking at them directly...nothing is spontaneous..its hard work..
you end up in a world of your own my gran was the same.. i was her ears....
it helped make me the way i am.. i worry that im not going to hear what people say and so look silly...i feel myself going red.. getting anxious.... company ? theres no joy in it for me..

so id choose to be blind ive seen everything i need to see.. i,d rather hear and feel...as ive always done..thats enough for me..
i,d be no use to a friend.. id be hard work.. i drive myself up the wall..
so i,m ok really... here..

over the weekend.. i,ll make some cards.. read.. ive a new book well its not new bought it last year just havent settled to do any reading really.. its the faithfull spy about terrorist activities..

i love books in fact id say i have a mania for them, insatiable appetite, yet i,m aries usually we dont sit still long enough to do anything as boring as reading . if i was recovered id be taking life by the scruff of the neck..never sitting still which is why this enforced inactivity has been a nightmare..
ive had to grit my teeth..

i know without doubt the problems ive had in life would never have happened if id felt ok.. everything is magnified and a chore when ill..
all i wanted was to be left in peace to recover my health..
its everyones basic right.... i bet everyone else would have done it..
been selfish..i,m not the type..
you hear people say... "oohh ive got the sniffles..i,m going to bed"..
try what ive had is all i can say..without complaining..

Ive been in a philosophical mood.. pondering.. hope i,m not gonna change into one of them dear old dears who sit on the front step singing .. "when i was a lass...".. probably with a pipe in me mouth.

having computer trouble too.. net crashes.. all sorts.. spooks in the works.. that's been happening in my abode for the longest time....

people, houses, can be haunted..top experts will admit to it..
but every one believes what they deem to be true for them,
this is a good thing wouldnt do for us all to be the same.. life would be boring..
proving without shadow of a doubt we are all different..
i don,t want to dance to the same drum as everyone else.. dare to be different..

i,m having wrongs numbers lots of them i,m not even in the book.
i,m looking into it..ghosts do exist..

it,s a shame this is coming down to make way for houses..i,d rather have had a craft shop, or a herbalists..book shop.

yesterday out 4 times. last night in the dog house..something small insignificant, you have a choice.. listen or don,t ... i don,t...
block everything by counting to one hundred..works..

asleep early..woke and went out with meg..1.45am can,t believe i,m admitting to it..
but streets are quiet at that time. i,m used to it from the nights i waited up and still do esp at weekends waiting for offspring coming in from those dens of iniquity....


stumbled on a quote site.. discretion is the better form of valour..
if no one believes it becomes the proverbial self fulfilling prophecy..
true for me..ive never trusted or believed anyone or anything for eons,..
no trust no joy, esp where theres fear..

and magic.. i didnt think it existed..but i realise now..some people have it inside, for what reason ? ive no idea.....all i need next is to find out why me..and how far can it stretch..thats about it really..
out into the garden..

been a really lovely day.. bit chilly.. made some cards in the garden.. paper blowing all over the place.. have tea, nod off, go out for a walk.. tired but thats life...

signing out.. work.

started to watch flood then thought one disasters just like another.. seen one seen them all so got up and took meg out, bit too tired, wet but very humid out, thundery weather. turning in.

off into the living room. i think i must be in there. all in .. an hour a day..
kitchen addict among my craft stuff, its strewn about...higgle de piggle de..
can,t find anything it,s in no semblence of order..
been up an hour and im ready to turn back in.

got that feeling again... as kids we,d press down on each others heads then let go, then you felt as if you were floating.. all day yesterday till about 5pm-6. not sure.. don,t try this at home..scares me witless so i don,t mention it.. best not..
dreaming don,t know what about yet..

I,m buying some new gnomes. i bought a gnome mould last year,
an attempt to make my own. chose the one on special offer, there wasnt a description of it just the name "pudding basin" gnome and the price so took a chance, i made it, painted it,
going through old photo,s noticed a pic from the 80,s a gnome i,d bought at a car boot sale near us,
i thought it too nice to sit outside so it sat by the fire,.

one day while re decorating i put it out into the garden, next day it had vanished, no postcard nothing.. not the scribe of a pen..
as i put the finishing painting touches to the new gnome i noticed it was the very same design "pudding basin" gnome that had been half inched from my garden..

it,s probably sunning itself in majorca now, the stolen gnome..or where ever gnomes go on holiday..

theres an old wives tale they come to life..get up in the middle of the night and walk the earth..toys too, dolls, teddies.

my son went bananas for a "boglin".. the most horrid creatures you could ever wish to see.. sat on top of the wardrobe looking out of it,s box..in the spare room, out of the way.. its still there...

making cards today, ink running low, didn't watch any TV yesterday after all, listened to the blackbird while i made angel cards in the kitchen..doing my own thing...it lands in the back garden every teatime, between 4pm- 6pm.

lopsided empty des. res.

apple plum pear trees in full blossom quite small but last year bumper harvest of fruit. eating apple crumble for weeks on end..chutney wasnt nice, mam said gillian chuck it out..so i did..i,d bought labels and everything on ebay.
didnt improve the taste..

bird house badly needs lick of paint. it,s going to be green with pink roses ,trailing ivy leaves. blue tits have visited every day, have a shufty round in and out then just depart for pastures new..

maybe all for the best, i worry about them something wicked, can,t look out of the window or hang washing out incase i scare them,.

tara the sprocker..

meg the collie. lounging on my good sofa.

fairy card....

spring n roses..

signing out.