witching hour

witching hour again. no music. fell asleep dog tired at 2.30pm.

First symptoms started 15 years ago slowly, like having flu, it didn't get better and went on to plunge into the depths of an illness i thought only existed in hell.
after that it came and went, over the years i struggled on.
for anyone unfamiliar with c.f.s. the brain symptoms are by far the worst.

If you think for a moment what joy it is to be able to "think" freely of everyday things, shopping lists, what you,d like to wear that day, which top with which skirt or jeans, what color hair slide to buy, then think what its like not to be able to think without pain, confusion, and not being able to think at all. for fear you,ll die.
not for just a day, but for years, in a world of no understanding, where your only chance of survival is shutting yourself down and shutting yourself away, then you may have an insight into m.e.

thinking is taken for granted, its such a joy until you wake up one day and find you can,t do it anymore.

a doctor (sympathetic) once had to visit a boy locked in his bedroom for years cos no one understood. until fear and illness just stopped him trying any more.

Mine are better in the last year ( brain symptoms) which is how I've been able to hook myself up with the world again, and I've enjoyed it so much,
but you know by doing that has brought me odd misunderstandings. to be expected,
but i had to try, reaching out to the world, hoping for a miracle,
cos nothing i did had brought any light at the end of the tunnel.

I think i still have a lot of good to give. I can serve a purpose.
I can keep on floating about in the mystical ether too , ..

and you know that writing this just opens up wounds that i lock away cos there are just places i can,t go, i tell no one not even people around me,, cos it just brings folk down,
i learnt years ago that Ive gotta be the strong one, i look after everyone else.

I'm the one if you've gotta problem folk say, "Gillian will sort it, tell her, she,ll write off somewhere,"
and Ive found I'm no "bother " as long a i pretend every things fine and dandy.
so i do just that, ever the pleaser. but ive learnt to think for myself now, it feels good.

no one, absolutely no one sees the real me, crying, i hide it very well, I'm a very good actress,
Ive been on my own with it, that's the way it,ll carry on till i,m better, i can do it cos i have no choice if i want any kind of life for myself.

I,m pleading really for the heavens just to give me a break now, see me for what i am,
and throw me some compassion, cos I'm sometimes sinking fast, and think i may never surface again. cosmic ordering.

If anyone i know ever wanted help id stand shoulder to shoulder when the ships going down,
i,m loyal and true to the end.

In fact id fight for them to the death, whats living for if not to help a fellow human.
life's meaningless and shallow, unless you peel away the layers and get down to the nitty gritty.

thats it now, all im saying on the matter, or i,ll be all talked out n washed up really.

to anyone who can get out, go wild, enjoy every minute. don,t stop in, bored.
try new things, take up new challenges, just don,t forget about the ones not able to at this moment in time.
and really ive had some fun times stuck in, hooked upto the mystical universe.

and my confidence will return. and i,ll be out .

forgot,... i,m thankful every day cos if not for the illness id not have been touched by lots of things,
also psychic n spiritual things. so its been no hardship really.