review..weekend slump, twist

If i could make the world a better place and everyone in it happy id turn myself inside out.
i,d stay like that it,d be no hardship. after the places ive been to with this illness it,d be a relief.

I wrote my will, bout 4 years ago.
didnt tell anyone i hid it in with the important papers. a shoebox that only i go into.
laid awake nights cos my insurance had ran out couldnt sort out any new so thought there,ll be nothing to bury me. chuck me on the heap. kept that quiet too. always worry about others.

I do all the paperwork and stuff.
should have started how i meant to go on but circumstances didnt allow it.
been under tremendous pressure.

I kept things from my son, didnt want to worry him, i didnt have to say anything the words "mam will you get better" were stamped across his face.
i just didnt want and still dont want anyone to worry over me.

I was in labour, did it by myself, alone, nurse said "why dont you let your husband in" ?
i said "no, cos he,d worry, that would be mean worry for me" ,
how i ever came to think like this ive no idea, i just had to grow up very quickly age 19,
only me to rely on....thrust into it really. just the way things worked out.
but time over id say "get him in here so i can nip his wick out", seriously..
I was actually being sedated cos i was taken in quickly ill, (thats another story),
and saying "don,t tell my husband".

worry seems to have been my middle name . Ive changed a bit. quite a lot actually. recently.
knew...otherwise im gonna be off this planet. early grave.


you hear about these children that come over from Rumania, they can,t get used to life in england, cos they don,t know what it is. if you have,nt experienced it you just don,t know what it is. that goes for everything else in life too..

when i think back to last year i was doing ok till the flu reared its ugly head. I got so tired.